Saturday, November 18, 2006


I’ve imagined a lot of things lately. I wonder about my testimony.

I wonder about the war in Heaven. I wonder about all those people who went to follow Satan. I bet a lot of my friends went with him. I bet a lot of people that I respected and admired and looked up to went with him. I bet there were people more intelligent than anyone I’ve ever met on earth so far.

I think it really tore me apart.

I imagine I got frustrated with all the spirits on Heavenly Father’s side when they would say things about the spirits who followed Satan. “Oh , they’re all just so completely nuts,” someone might say, or “Why would they not want to follow our plan? They’re so clueless.” I bet I stood up for them a lot to all the spirits who refused to see them as anything but foolish. I bet I thought about taking their side.

Maybe that third of the host of Heaven had a good point, even though we trivialize and berate it so often. Maybe those fallen ones understood how much agency would suck sometimes.

Maybe they realized how horrible it would be when one person, stripped of his or her memory, decided to impose his or her agency in a cruel way towards another person. Maybe they saw rape and murder and child molestation and starvation. Maybe they saw broken hearts. Maybe they saw cancer and arthritis and all the diseases. Maybe they saw despair and suicide. Maybe they saw all of those horrible things and thought it wasn’t fair to judge victims for eternity based on such lives; lives tainted through no fault of their own, but instead marred and defiled by circumstances or other people.

And what about when people screw up other people’s lives without meaning to? What about when our own curiosity or forgetfulness or clumsiness ruins everything for another person, or for a hundred persons, or for a thousand persons? I can think of lots of people who I have hurt without meaning for it to happen.

It just doesn’t seem fair. There’s something not right about it.

Sometimes I think I would prefer to be forced to choose the right thing always. I’m so stupid. And even when I know the right thing to do, I often don’t follow through with it. it would be nice to go through life doing everything right, even if it never proved anything.

So why am I here?

I guess I opted for this side only because of the atonement. And I had to be sure that the atonement would cover everyone for everything, no matter what. I had to be sure everyone would get a chance to hear about the atonement and everyone would be able to use it as many times as they needed to. Even if that meant a lot.

I think even then, the idea agitated me.

Bad things can be so pervasive and relentless and self-perpetuating. But what else could we do? I don’t know.

I feel crappy. I feel like I’ve either abandoned or been abandoned by every good thing that I ever had going here in Utah or anywhere in my life. I feel very alone here. I feel like whenever I’m around people I know, its an act. I feel like I need a fresh start, somewhere else. It doesn’t feel like I can fix any of the messes I’ve made and I don’t really want any pity, though I think I’m understanding a lot more about people who need pity all the time. Some things fuck you up pretty bad.

I wish that I could start my life over knowing all that I do now. Really. I wish I could start again as a little tiny kid. I’d be a better first grader, a better student son, a better friend to more people...I’d be more outgoing than I was. I‘d be more confident about how I looked and how I acted. Maybe I’d even try to ask girls out instead of just going along with them when they asked me. I’d be a better brother. I’d be more articulate, more sympathetic, more intelligent. I’d put more of a concentrated effort into everything I did, making sure it was the best I could do. I’d lay out all my issues and problems for my parents and family really early on so that we could work with them truthfully. I wouldn’t get into strangers’ cars as a teenager. I’d be a missionary.

Maybe this is why the whole reincarnation concept is so appealing.

Life hit a different kind of low tonight at IHOP. It’s been working it’s way down for a while, and then all of a sudden every link in the chain of perpetual misery was there in the same place at the same time, sitting within tables of each other and everything and everyone felt so hopeless and fleeting. Nothing was solid, nothing was reliable, nobody could be friends, everyone is suspicious. There’s always something new to catch your eye and set your hopes on. Depressing.

I have to wake up in less than four hours so I can go rehearse. I don’t feel like dancing. I don’t want to go to the damn football game or get diet cokes with lime for women who have lots more money than me. But I will, until I can change things. I will change things.


Stephanie said...

I think you're right. It would be sooooo nice to just start over and do things different. I think everyone wants that at some point. But even though we can't go back to being a little kid, we can still start over. We'll still have to deal with past decisions and experiences, yes, but we can try going about life differently. From this moment on, I am going to do this better, or do that more, and do this less often. It's an interesting concept--this "starting over" with the knowledge we now have. But it's really not too late... Sorry IHOP was crummy. Cleaning my entire house wasn't so fun either. :) Have a good day, and it was good to meet you.

Samantha said...

You know, the scriptures say that when the Son of the Morning fell, the heavens wept. I don't think anyone was judgmental or scathing--I think it was heart-wrenching and terribly sad to be separated from one-third of our brothers and sisters.

No doubt the Atonement was a pivotal point when you made your decision, but perhaps more than covering your mistakes, the knowledge that someone as amazing as Jesus Christ would love you in any circumstance, regardless of awful choices, whenever you were sad or lonely or in despair--that's an incredible gift.

But as a person who has experienced much of this old earth's misery at the hands of another, I have to say, there is also so much beauty. And even when my blog is visited by one of those who would defile innocent children, and I am faced with the reality of what I run from every day--I'm overwhelmed by the love in my life, by the joy I receive, by the beauties I encounter.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wish it were otherwise. I hope things get better soon.

el veneno said...

Now I really wish we could've hung out today at the game...
That's some deep stuff.

Latter-gay-saint said...

There have been many times that I have asked myself, Why did I choose to come here and face all of this pain. I have had a few blessings in which I've been told that I knew everything I would suffer before I agreed to come here.

When I'm in a good place spiritually, I am able to tell myself that I obviously saw the "big picture" then and I just have to trust that I knew what I was doing. However, when I'm having a particularly difficult time, I struggle with those questions.

Hang in there.


epadavito said...

stephanie is right -how its not too late. Just think about and focus on what you do want, believe you can attain it, ask for it, and openly recieve it. It will come. It will

Elbow said...

You have amazing things to say. I always look forward to reading the thoughts that you put down on your blog because it makes me think.

I find myself feeing much of the same things as you. Thanks for sharing.

Peculiar Mormon said...

I think I understand you more than I thought I did before.

We should talk sometime, man. Sometime soon.

Glad yours is a blog I don't feel like hell reading.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

Wow, Those are some really deep thoughts... Don't be so hard on yourself. (easy to say huh?) There is obviously a meaningful person inside. You're great.