Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Pinetree: Amazing with words.

Okay, so I called Kate. (It's only been two days since I was supposed to call her...) Here is how it went:

P: "Hey Kate....Kate? Hello? Is this Kate?"

*fuzz over the phone and nothing for a minute*

K: "Hi yeah, this is Kate."

P: "Hey Kate, this is Pinetree. My roommates were telling me you were over here waiting for me to get home forever on sunday night so I figured I'd give you a call."

K: "Oh yeah, I came by to see if you were home so I could thank you for the Valentine and then Ana (my roommate Ben's girlfriend) started talking to me about Dostoevsky and stuff so I ended up being there longer than I thought."

P: "Oh...well, thanks...for the thank you" (Am I the most articulate person in the universe or what? Hell...what stupid things I find myself saying sometimes...)

*awkward chuckles as Pinetree slaps himself on the forehead with the palm of his hand and says a silent "d'oh!" to himself*

K: "Yeah, no problem, seriously, thank you."

P: "You're welcome. So.........."

*then there was like this forever silent moment*

P: "So do you want to hang out or go out on a date sometime?"

K: "Yeah, sure."

P: "What are you doing Thursday night?"

K: "Nothing that I can think of"

P: "Okay, cool, well how about I call you Thursday night and we'll go do something."

K: "Ok sounds good to me."

P: "Okay, ttyl, Kate."

Yeah, I know. Just call me Rico Suave.

Anyways, I have a date thursday night. I'm gonna borrow Smurf's car...maybe an hour or two early so I can clean all the crap out of it or at least shove it in the trunk. Now I have to think of what we're going to do. Honestly, this is like my first official date in over year. Like Robb says though, if it all turns out crappy and awkward, at least I'm headed to Alaska in May. It's cool how my blog is turning into this twisted Degrassi episode the last couple posts.

Sunday, February 25, 2007


She came by tonight while I was gone. She probably found out that I sent her the valentine. My roommates said she sat waiting around forever for me to get back. She left her number. I walked half way to her apartment tonight and then walked back.

ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!!!! What am I supposed to do!?

Don't get me wrong, I think this girl is awesome, but I mostly like adrmiring her from afar, especially at church when she leads the music. She's so pretty and calm and confident. Its so weird to have to talk to her. I don't know why I get nervous, its not like there's this turn on that there is with guys, I just don't want to look like an idiot around her. Also, I blow things way out of proportion and my mind tries to fast forward to actually dating her and I freak out.

What do I say to this girl? "Yeah, I'd love to go out with you. I'm gay, is that cool with you?" Blah. But she has to know. I can't lead her on. I just won't do it.

Do I even have the stamina to date a girl? I haven't even been able to focus on school long enough to get good grades lately. I'm ready for a new job after a little less than a year. I'm moving to Alaska in the summer and who knows what or where I'll be after that. I'm so inconsistent and ridiculous and crazy. This girl doesn't know anything about this boy that she maybe likes and I'm an idiot for leading her on even this little tiny bit. Also I have a rebellious streak that I try really hard to channel into good rebellious things, but I dunno if she could be cool with that. She's solid. I'm all over the place.

I have the stupidest questions running through my head about her and I haven't even gone out with her once. There's just all these little notes and the tension. Would she try to go running or watch Tyler Perry movies or hop on a plane with me tomorrow if I wanted to? Does she like ice cream and could she play along when I'm being silly? Does she want to do big things with her life? Would she mind making all the first moves physically? because honestly I don't know how to do that with a girl.

Yeah, I want to be married someday. I want to have a female counterpart, a partner in crime with two X chromosomes who can get dressed up and be pretty but who also loves me as much as I want to love her and who is independent and charming and smart and witty and wonderful. I want to have little kids I can play with and a family to go camping and watch movies and feed the ducks with. I want to have to figure out what to do when my 2 year old colors on the walls and I want to have to make a family budget and a home. I want to have a cool, spirited, compassionate, amazing righteous family that still sticks out like a sore thumb. Can't I just skip to that part?

This crap drives me insane. I can't picture myself in 10 years. I hope something comes together somehow. How will it though if I don't have the balls to even go talk to this girl because I'm already worried about our future together? What the hell am I thinking??? Hell. I'm stuck.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Update 2

Yesterday was really great. We got a meeting with Jan Scharman, Vice President at BYU over Student Life. She couldn't have been cooler. She was really glad that we were there and willing to try to make a difference. She said she read our email over and over when she got it, and that she and the BYU administration were very concerned about the welfare of gay students at BYU but were just unsure of what exactly they should do. I've said to a couple of people already, she was very reasonable, sincere, honest and compassionate. She's also just an interesting person and is really easy to talk to. I feel a lot better about BYU as an institution knowing that someone like her is in the administration. She's going to talk to a few other people in the administration like the Academic VP and BYU's spokeswoman about the possibility of doing a fireside at BYU as well as a few other things (articles in the newspaper, meetings with faculty, discussion groups, etc) and then call us back to set up another meeting. Wow. I'm surprised we got this far.

Thanks to all of you mohos who came to VP Scharman's office yesterday. You all made awesome comments. I would really feel very inadequate and ridiculous doing this by myself just because I'm such a screwed up kid when it comes to this SGA business and BYU as a spiritual and academic institution has no reason to take me seriously as some crappy student suspended for grades who hasn't even served a mission. You guys make all the difference in the world and I'm glad you all think this is a good thing too because if you didn't, I'm not sure I'd be able to put any effort into it. I feel like we're doing something good, and I hope we really are. Even if nothing comes of this, I'm glad we at least tried to make something better. Also, thanks to all of you who have offered support, whether I have gotten back to your emails or not. We need all of it we can get, especially if something actually does end up happening. I read all of your emails and really appreciate them.

And now for a couple things unrelated to SGA stuff:
Carrot had another ghetto food-filled dance party last night and holy crap...Carrot throws my favorite parties with the funnest kids. She and her roommies are so awesome. Yesterday before our meeting she also sent us an inspirational Richard Simmons text message that I got to show to everyone. AND I have all these hilarious Carrot quotes running through my head right now AND she has promised to send me an engagement photo she made of herself and Ludacris so I can put it on our fridge next to all the other ones. Ha!

I'm going to an 80's prom theme dance tonight for our stake. I went to the Catholic Thrift Store after work today and got a light blue suit for 8 bucks. I'm actually not super thrilled about this, just because its going to be so awkward. In fact, maybe I won't go...but I should because I'm on the activities commitee. I wish Carrot could be in charge of our stake dances...

Vegas in a few weeks with at least El Veneno and maybe Sarah an other friends. Super excited. I need to sign up for the race.

Also, due to the unexpected size of my tax return, I'm sorely tempted to just quit Los Hermanos with Smurf and Rascal and just travel the country until I head to Alaska...But I should probably do something responsible with the money like save it or pay off a student loan early. Boo. Work is killing me lately. Maybe I'll be able to hang on at this place a few more months...

That's all for now. I'm taking a nap. Catch ya later.

P.S. Some good songs of late:
Runaway Love - Ludacris (Such a sad song, but also has a good beat AND it speaks to me. We've all felt like running away sometimes, yeah?)
Show Me What You Got - Jay-Z (fun dance song from Carrot's party)
Out of the Woods - Nickel Creek
For You - Barenaked Ladies
For You - Duncan Sheik
Lento and Limon y Sal by Julieta Venegas
Sirena - Sin Bandera
LDN and Smile by Lily Allen (Her lyrics are really biting and sarcastic and horrible even though her songs are super upbeat. It's kinda crazy, but I like it when I'm in the right mood)
Ruby Tuesday - Franco Battiato (I like this version of the classic Beatles song)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


A few things to write about for the sake of writing:

1.We finalized a proposal letter and I sent it to President Samuelson. Stay tuned. I don't know what will come of all this. Maybe something good, maybe something bad, maybe nothing at all.

2. I went to P.F. Chang's for lunch with my family yesterday because my brother was in town. Candied walnut shrimp served with melon balls is what its all about. I love food. Also my niece was cracking jokes with me that she had heard on Lambchops, except they were seriously hilarious and had me busting out laughing! It was sort of like I was kickin' it with someone really hilarious my age, except she's six. Her once weird baby sense of humor is really developing; she's such an awesome kid. My whole family is great. I really needed that little boost from them yesterday. I was starting to get discouraged about things and now I'm a bit better.

3. I've been doing laundry today and I washed my iPod, which was in the pocket of a fleece pullover thing I have. For a minute or two, there was this constant stream of profanity emanating from the apartment laundry room. Good thing the only kid there was a convert of only a year or two(?). I apologized when I realized he was there and he was cool with it and even gave me a hug to console me. The positive side of this (always remember to find the positive side of things, Pinetree...) is that now I'm going to get myself a new iPod and iPod shopping is pretty fun.

4. I decided on a job offer in Alaska. I'm going to go with grayline and work on the train. Should be a good adventure.

4. I got a valentine for this girl, Kate, and was debating whether or not to send it to her and what to put on it if I did (don't want to sound to serious, or too weird, or like I'm trying to be funny, or a million other things). So I was about to not send it, but then I remembered Bonnie Parkins' recent fireside where she said to never supress a generous thought. (By the way, Bonnie Parkins' had made my select list of female leaders in the church who I don't think are full of fluff. Remember the "I love exclamation points" lady? Ay carumba....) I really liked and wholeheartedly agree with that piece of advice/commandment, so I sent the Valentine with my hometeacher over to Kate's apartment. The rub is I was still a chicken about it and I sent it anonymously. *sigh* Who does that after 3rd grade? Honestly, probably only some wussy fag like me. I talked to Kate after Munch and Mingle as well. Actually, I was nervous and so the conversation was pretty stupid or we just let other people who were around talk. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this heterosexual thing and I'll just have to stick with my feeble attempts at celibacy.

5. Good Memories:
6. Catch ya all later.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

First Y Hike of the Year. And a taste of southern Utah. And a proposal.

Y Night Hike.
The Y is the perfect distance from Provo. If it was closer, you might still feel like you were in Provo. If it was farther, I probably wouldn't be able to walk to it.

The Y itself.
Stepping outside of Provo.

Below are some pictures from a trip to Southern Utah with my old seminary teacher. We stayed in Moab so that we had easy access to Canyonlands and Arches National Parks. (A side note about Moab: It's pretty much my favorite town in Utah. It's full of outdoorsy, granola type people and surrounded by natural wonders. Brown Sugar tells me that Alaska is like a giant Moab, full of granola folk. I think I will love it there. Moab is also home to the Red Rock Bakery which is a great place to get a sandwich.)

At any rate, here are the other pictures:
Canyonlands Overlook

Arches National Park - Double Arch
Arches National Park - Turret Arch
Arches National Park - Delicate Arch
Arches - Somewhere on the road.
Canyonlands National Park - Aztec Butte

We visited Arches, Canyonlands and Dead Horse State Park. OST had much better cameras to use than I did (I'm the proud owner of a little 6 megapixel digital Olympus that I bought in September) and it was fun to play with them. They can take some seriously amazing pictures - stuff you wouldn't mind hanging up in your home. I relearned all about F-Stop values and aperture and various settings on the camera. I took a photography class in high school, but I definitely needed some refreshing. The pictures above are just the ones I took with my own camera. I actually think they turned out really well if I do say so myself, but they lack two very memorable and interesting shots that I took with the other camera; White Rim Overlook in Canyonlands and False Kive in Canyonlands. White Rim was this hauntingly beautiful giant rocky void with what looked like marble bathroom tiles at the bottom. I sat there amazed that there could be so much empty space framed by all this intricate white/black/gray rock. I supposed you would have to see it in person to understand...

False Kive was perhaps the coolest part of the entire trip (thought the entire thing was really cool). False Kiva is an ancient ruin you can only get to by a special trail not mapped on any national park maps...Yeah, I'm pretty amazing for even knowing about it. In fact, the park rangers won't tell you how to get there unless you ask about it specifically by name. It's like a secret menu option in the National Park System. If you are lucky enough to find it, even with directions, (it took us a few tries...the place gives no hints of itself until the very last second when you find it) there is a log you can sign and comment in and an amazing view.

Okay, I got a picture of False Kiva from OST, and here it is:
Awesome, huh?

Lastly, dear readers, I'll take a moment to propose something I think I already mentioned on El Veneno's blog. I'm thinking of putting a sort of forum together at BYU on the whole SSA issue in anticipation of Soulforce's arrival at the end of March. I have mixed feelings about Soulforce, but ultimately I feel misrepresented by them, and I think that more representative voices of the LDS/SSA community ought to make themselves heard so that LDS people, especially BYU students, have a better understanding of what SSA is and how different people deal with it. An important insight would be how people deal with it within the context of the gospel without breaking the commandments or disobeying the prophet, and living your whole life that way is possible.

I have a good feeling about doing something like this, but I feel very inadequate about actually putting it together. I'm really a horrible example of leading the sort of life that I think one should. However, I think I can be brutally honest about that up front and I'm going to put an effort into this project. I would love to have help if any of you are interested. The plan right now is to hammer out some sort of proposal to present to whoever we need to at BYU (BYUSA? President Samuelson?). El Veneno and Smurf and I are going to try to work something out at first, and then we hope to present that to a broader group of you all for feedback, and then finally make a presentation for the administration. If all goes well, we could put on a forum at BYU with a an educational presentation, a storytelling time where a panel talks about their experiences, and a question and answer session.

I'd feel much better about Soulforce's planned stop at BYU if BYU students and the community had an opportunity to actually hear from a broader group of LDS/SSA guys. I'd love for this to work. If it doesn't, that's okay too and at least we tried. Smurf wants to call BYU to repentance if it doesn't. We'll see about that.

Leave thoughts or comments on this blog or email me at gbauman@byu.edu. Let me know if you would like to participate in something, whether up front or behind the scenes.

Catch ya later.