Sunday, October 29, 2006

Still good for a fight, even if it doesn't seem like it.

So this blog will cover a lot of things in no order at all. It's sort of a weird mix of stuff, as usual.


I'm dancing down the streets of Provo dressed in a cowboy suit with the folkdance ensemble. We're doing a gypsy dance and a Ukranian dance and then inbetween those we lift all the girls up and they wave to the crowds on the sidewalks and we all sing "Oh Susana." I'm in formation dancing with my partner, a really pretty girl with these giant beautiful eyes that I find so incredibly attractive on people. Down two people from me (approximately 5 to 8 feet) is this boy that I have a huge crush on. He also has beautiful eyes. He's dressed in liederhosen doing all the same dance moves I'm doing in my cowboy suit. Sometimes real life is so ridiculously unreal.

We won first place among all the entries to the parade.

This boy I was talking about has been driving me nuts lately. He's gay, (otherwise being attracted to him wouldn't bother me at all) and he's always around. I can handle crushes when I never actually have to interact with the person, but I am interacting with this guy on at least a weekly basis now. I'm all self conscious all the time because of it. I don't feel comfortable with how I look or act or do anything and it's really stupid. Having a crush is so frustrating.


My cousin was just hired at Los Hermanos. Actually she is my cousin's daughter. Mostly all I know about her is that she grew up in Washington and I think she has some eating disorders. Her name is Andrea. I've been forcing myself to remember that. I've run into her 3 or 4 times before on campus or around town and have always had to to sneakily ask a friend to ask her name and then tell me so that I could talk to her to her face without sounding stupid. I had to do it again at work when I realized she had been hired. Really horrible, I know. Hopefully we will get to know each other better now that we work at the same place. Weird that someone in my family, even if it's my extended family, will be around all these people like Smurf or Brown Sugar or hot Rachel who sort of know me. I'd probably better stop cussing at work anymore.


I look up to my older sister, Lois, so much. When I was little, Lois was the sibling who I could go to when my older brother, John, was beating me up or when my older sister Amy (a year older than Lois) was being neglectful or mean. Lois always found a way to make it better or get my mind focused on something else or reason things out with me. She was many times the advocate on behalf of the younger kids, of whom I was the oldest. She could take down my older brother. (She was in top shape from being on a competitive jumproping team...yeah crazy, but also really awesome) She was the sister who also acted as a parent much of the time even when my other older sister would go into her room and read a book or draw or run off with her friend Anna to San Francisco. Lois made dinner and cleaned and changed diapers for my mom all the time.

Last week I rode up to my parents' house with Lois and then we did dishes and then went to her ward prayer and then back to her place where I did my laundry. She is so disciplined in everything. She's the relief society president and she tackles all her responsibilites plus a graduate degree and a full time job with so much grace and efficiency. She has this sort of demure quietness about her, which I think is partly due to the anti-social streak that we both get from our dad, but she interacts with people wherever she sees herself needed and she does it so well. Most of the time she is working around people, like all the lost boys on Peter Pan making a house for Wendy. She gets things done. Last week she was fellowshipping one of the new girls in her ward as well as finding two people places to live. She does all the little stuff like read her scriptures and say her prayers. She's also extremely creative and smart. If she doesn't know how to do something, she'll figure it out.

I asked Lois while we did dishes at my parents' house if she was dating anyone. I think she is really pretty and amazing, but I guess as a family member I'm biased. I've just never seen her go on dates or get all giggly about boys. She dresses really classy and knows how to do herself up, but she's not the type of person who would go up and flirt or tell a someone he had pretty eyes. I was almost afraid to ask a question of this nature because the rest of the family thinks of it as this hush-hush subject. My grandma once tried to set Lois up on a date and it ended very badly. When I came out to my parents, my mom let me know that she had wondered if Lois was a lesbian. (She's not)

Lois replied that she had always just felt like a 40 year old among all her peers. She wants to date a "smart" guy. She said she had a thing a while back for a boy in her ward, and that she thinks he liked her too, but then he got a great job offer in Virginia or something and that was the end of that. The other guys in her ward just weren't really dating material. (really they aren't, I found out by going to her ward prayer. They all still live at home and play playstation all day while all the girls in the ward go get their graduate degrees or PhD's or work in professional careers. It's really lame)

I hope something good happens to Lois. Actually, I don't worry about it too much because I know she always turns whatever she's given into something productive and beautiful. Most recently I am proud of Lois for going running regularly with her roommate now. She says she hates it because she can do hours of jumproping and be just fine but a few miles of running will get her all short of breath. It's good for her though and she keeps at it.

I'm not sure what I meant to say here exactly, but there are some thoughts in words about my sister, who means a lot to me. It's good for me to put these things into words. Maybe another day I will write about another of my family members. They're really all wonderful even if they seem ordinary.


I'm secretly hoping to flunk out of school this semester. If I do, I'm going to work until my contract at my current apartment expires, and then I'm going on an extended adventure, at least for the duration of my academic suspension from BYU. I'm going to be a bum, but not just for a couple of days. I will ride trains and get around however I need to and eat out of garbage cans if need be and go and see or do anything I want to anywhere I want to.

I am trying to get good grades though. I'm such a crappy student.


Church last week was great. During priesthood meeting, the EQP had told us all to go into Sunday School as reverently and quietly as possible. So we all did. When we got to class, there was a Powerpoint screen up that said something like, "Today's lesson is going to be a little different. No one is going to speak. *change slide* "The objective of today's lesson will be to be in touch with the promptings of the Holy Ghost, whose voice is still and small." *change slide* "Please take a moment to silently say your own opening prayer."

I thought this was sort of silly. I've always thought church classes went so much better when there was lots of discussion. Also my roommate, Russel, who was teaching the lesson is this extra spiritual/EFY Counselor/Peter Priesthood type of guy, so I thought maybe this was all some bogus attempt to make him look even more righteous or something, and I was kind of rolling my eyes and being all skeptical about it. I said my own opening prayer, asking Heavenly Father to please let me take all this seriously and help me not to laugh.

The lesson turned out to be really, really good. Basically he had us flipping to scriptures, reading them silently, and then silently writing answers to prompts he put up on the screen with power point. It made everyone think very personally about some basic questions. In one instance, Russel pulled a quote from Jesus the Christ talking about how the existence of Christ is pretty much indisputable as we have historical evidence that the man Jesus actually existed and taught and preached. The next slide went on to talk about how some believe in Christ as just a man, some as a great teacher, and some as the literal son of God and everything in between. The next slide simply asked, "What think ye of Christ?"

This caught me off guard a little. I tried to think of why I believe in Jesus Christ as more than just a great teacher, but my Lord. Things like emaculate conception or all the miracles or fasting for forty days or being half man and half God are all wonderful, but I don't really understand them and can't base a testimony on them. After a lot of pondering, I reminded myself once again why I believe in Jesus Christ as divinity.

Every time I do something wrong or stupid or shameful, there is a great loving power beyond me that can patch me up, express his concern for me, make me feel like I'm worth something, and get me back out doing the right thing again. There is a mechanism by which I can rise above my inadequacies and summon the better angel of my nature. I can feel better, I can do better, I can be better. I can pass this love along to other people. I can become perfect, no matter how unfit I am now. The power to do this is called the atonement, and everyone can use it. Jesus Christ is the reason we all have access to this power. He is the force that can pull an object moving in one direction back to the right direction. I don't completely understand this, but I can feel it working for me, personally. I can feel it in my bones and all over and I can watch it work in other people, whether they seem to be much better or much worse off than I. I can base a testimony on this because I know it is true and it works for me. I know that without this help, I would be doomed to a course of self-destruction and misery. We would really be as hopeless as we are sometimes compelled to feel.

I believe in the atonement, and therefore I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior and redeemer. Thusly, he must have been deity; much, much more than just a man who understood a little better than everyone else.


I've had so much on my mind lately, I'm sure I had more to write about, but I can't remember it right now.

Here's a little tidbit for your entertainment:


This is my friend Veronica and I in our fake engagement picture. Look how butch I am. Sort of.


Thursday, October 19, 2006


This has always been something that has confused me about the handiwork of God. What is the purpose for this, exactly?

BBC News

Monday, October 16, 2006


Take this test. Post your results so I can know whether or not we should really be friends anymore...

Okay, so I'll probably be your friend regardless because let's face it, I need friends. At any rate, this is an interesting test, especially for political science majors. Or even kids who just say their major is political science so that people will get off their back because they really plan on being a bum and running around on trains when they get older because they hate school. The point is it's for everybody. :)

You are a

Social Moderate
(56% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(25% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Sunday, October 08, 2006


I ran a marathon yesterday! For some reason we didn't really photograph any of this, but there were a bunch of professional photographers taking pictures at a couple of points in the race, so maybe I will get one if they arent too pricey and post it on here later.

At any rate, here is a little breakdown of the marathon for you:

•We start driving to St. George sometime around 7. I'm hella tired and having hella stupid conversations with El Veneno. Sometimes Gilmore Guy and El Veneno's friend who is a girl would talk too, but not often.
•We stop at Subway in Fillmore(?). Some girl there who is barely out of high school is flirting with this 41 year old Mexican dude. I think the Mexican dude is kind of embarrassed. Isn't this supposed to happen the other way around? I'm not really hungry because I've been feeling kinda sick lately, but I know I need to eat something so Gilmore Guy and I split some kind of sandwich. We get back in the car and get to play the cd I brought. I'm glad, even though maybe some of the songs are chick music.
•We stop at a friend of El Veneno's friend who is a girl, and crash at her place for about 4 hours, until the alarm clocks on our phones go off around 4:45 AM
•El Veneno drives Gilmore Guy and I to the registration point, and then the bus pick-up point. Gilmore Guy and I cram onto a yellow schoolbus at around 5 AM. It's three to a seat, so I have Gilmore Guy on my right and this older guy on my left. I make some conversation with the old guy and he actually gives us a few bits of handy information about the race.
•We get off the bus. I think must still be dreaming. There are thousands of people out here in this giant mass. Some of the giant mass is huddled around giant bon-fires. It's still the middle of night and the moon is almost full and shiny. It really looks like a dream. There is loud music playing. Gilmore Guy and I pin our numbers on, throw our stuff in a truck, eat a third of a banana and some gatorade, and then work our way through the crowd to a bonfire. I'm trying to convince myself that I really, really am going to run a marathon in a few minutes. I'm jumping to try to stay warm, but worried that I might be burning off my banana.
•The race starts...It's still pitch black out. All of a sudden I start feeling really good, like this is a perfectly achievable goal. Gilmore Guy and I talk and run and it's pretty enjoyable. The scenery is really pretty, especially as the sun begins to come up.
•Miles 5-10: There are some steep hills. We get over them. Still doing great, smiling, pretty happy.
•Mile 13: There are all these people around cheering us on and I'm giving five to all these little kids, and I'm feeling pumped and great. Damn, this marathon crap is easy.
•Mile 18: Okay, my feet and knees are hurting a little. Also, I'm getting some diaper rash. That's not cool, but I'm still feeling good, still pretty zen
•Mile 21: I'm back into town. I take back my thoughts about the marathon from mile 13. I'm getting kinda tired.
•Mile 24: I have to commit myself to making my legs continue in the running motion until I am done.
•Mile 26: Holy Hell. I am dying. I want to stop and walk. I don't care about all these people screaming at me that I'm so close and I should keep it up. In fact, they are kinda pissing me off. I try to think of inspirational things and people and songs. I keep on turning corners in St. George thinking that I will see the finish line, but it's never there. My thinking goes something like this, "When will this mile end? If I turn another corner and it's not there, I'm walking....Okay, maybe just ONE more corner...I swear I'm not running to another corner...Okay, this is the last freaking corner..." etc...
•The end - 26.2: I've passed the finish line! I can't believe I'm actually done now! I beat four hours by a comfortable margin! LOOK AT ALL THIS FREE FOOD!!!!!!!! This is what the Celestial Kingdom must feel like. I'm gaining a testimony of it.
•The next 15 minutes: I am drinking water and gatorade and eating cliff bars, bread, and ice cream sandwiches like a poor red-headed stepchild. I start to feel really, really sick to my stomach about the time I see Gilmore Guy come in. I'm glad we both made it though, and exceeded expectations. We go to a table and find out our exact times by having some lady wave a magic wand over the chips tied to our shoelaces. I'm pleased with my first marathon time of 3:46:06, and I get a sticker that has my time printed on it.
•We get all our stuff and load into the car again. I feel kinda sick still and we stop at restrooms like 3 times on the way back home. I'm a little embarrassed about how ridiculous I'm being, but I think even more just not caring and wanting to get home really bad. El Veneno is pretty patient with me as a passenger in his car. I try to fall asleep a lot.
• You can check out stats at Click on the runpix results link and then type in my last name.

All in all, the marathon was really great. I really like running people, they are super friendly. I want to do this again, and I will because we need to run one with El Veneno. Marathoning may be my third favorite religion, right after Mormonism and Oprah.

Monday, October 02, 2006


Everyone who sees this today, October Oprah tonight, whenever it comes on. I think 12:20 or 12:30 at night on channel 2 in Utah. I dunno elsewhere. Samantha, you might be especially interested in this one.
Then you should all tell me what you think. This stuff makes me think and think and think. And go nuts. Watch it.