No dice.

I didn't get the job. The hiring people said they would e-mail me either way by monday to let me know. I've been checking my email every 15 minutes since monday morning and haven't seen anything from JetBlue, so I finally called this morning. The nice lady on the phone said that I would have gotten something by now had I been hired.

Damn.

I don't know why I wasn't hired. Like I say, I think I did really well at the interview. Maybe it was the Y chromosome. Maybe I'm too white, or too tall. Too gay? Not gay enough? I don't know.

I am glad I got to at least see New York for free. I just have to think of something to do with my life now because I was sort of banking on this JetBlue job. Do I really want to go back to school in January? In Utah? I'll have to get another job if I do.

The only other options I can think of right now are:
A) Join the military
B) Pack everything into my car and take a chance starting over somewhere else in the country.

As an unrelated thought, (actually, I'm sure it connects somewhere deep in my subconscience) I'm really not feeling the whole church thing right now. I went and talked to my new bishop sunday before last. I just went numb to all the things he said to me for about two hours. Poor guy was trying really hard. I just didn't really care because I'd heard it all before. Same "struggle," same unappealing prospects for the future.

I sat there thinking maybe I should just try dating boys. And I've been thinking that ever since. And maybe I will.

Except this nasty scabby thing has developed on the side of my mouth because my lips got chapped and then split. Its revolting and fairly unlovable. So I'm going to hold off on dating anyone until I at least look normal again. Maybe I'll try to be good before then, maybe not. But I'm not going to impose guilt on myself either way.

I can't tell if I'm doing what God wants me to do or if I'm just caught in a game of chicken with Him.

Time in the Big Apple.

So I'm applying to be a flight attendant and I missed my flight back to Salt Lake today. Only I could be so amazingly stupid.

I sort of misjudged how long it would take me to get to JFK airport from lower Manhattan. You have to take the subway for about and hour and then the airtrain and to make a long story short I arrived at the airport about 20 minutes before my flight left, and you have to be there 30 minutes early for them to allow you to board.

Hell.

I'll be flying back tomorrow at 1 PM. One more night in New York...

I'm staying here with my friend Chris. I met Chris the summer after my freshman year at a program sponsored by the San Jose Mercury News for aspiring young journalists. It was called Mosaic: The Urban Journalism Workshop and it was targetted to "ethnic" kids (Chris is Mexican, though not stereotypically so...think Ugly Betty as a gay guy who writes plays) from the south bay to give them a leg up in the industry (in very bay area fashion). Well, somehow I (perhaps the whitest kid at my high school) made it into this program only to become aware of the whole "ethnic" thing once I was there. But whatever, different people were nothing new and I was all excited to be a hip young journalist. Also, gay is kind of liking having an ethnicity, right?

Anyhow, at Mosaic I had a change of heart about my future career and decided I would never, ever write for a newspaper other than the one at my high school. I also made some friends, and of those friends I kept in touch the most (through phone and chat and emails) with Chris, who was really nice to me and who I knew was gay. I came out to him a little while after the program. He was probably one of the first people, if not the first ever, that I told about being gay.

So nearly seven years later, I see Chris again for the first time in New York. He's basically the same, but I'm not. I was this really chipper, go-get-'em, enthusiastic (yet exceedingly self-conscious) young kid back at that program and I'm just not anymore. Or at least I'm not right now. I tried to recreate my high school persona for Chris' sake, but it just didn't work and I feel weird here. Chris goes to NYU and has all these brilliant playwright friends who write for Broadway and have all these incredible connections with the rich and famous, and I really just don't feel like I fit in at all. They sit around and talk about terribly smart things and go see each others' plays and discuss people and things I've never heard about and then go drinking every night. I do not belong here.

So, New York has been fun and miserable at the same time. I'm thinking I should have just checked into a hostel. I always love hostels.

I saw the Little Mermaid on Broadway and I have to admitt that was fun. I saw another play written by some kid at NYU and that was interesting. I walked through Times Square and saw the Statue of Liberty from the coast of Manhattan and walked by Ground Zero and hung out at some bars with all the NYU kids.

My interview on Friday morning went really well I think. I felt totally "New York" the morning of; taking the subway and then walking through Queens with my business suit on, Dunkin Donuts breakfast and hot chocolate in hand. I went through two long group interviews, sat through some presentations, got my fingerprints done, did a drug test, proved that I could reach everything and fit into an airplane and chatted with some potential future coworkers.

You know when you leave a test feeling like you totally kicked ass? And you say to yourself, "Man, I totally kicked ass!" Thats was me after my interview. But that in itself isn't necessarily good because half the time I feel like that, I wind up with a C+ on something. So I'm just trying not to think about it until I know. I won't find out for sure until Monday.

If I make it, the company does an extensive background check on me and then I go to training in Orlando, Florida on November 28th for 3 to 4 weeks.

I just hope no one on the hiring team finds out that I missed my flight today.

New York

I'm going to New York this weekend for the first time for an interview with JetBlue! And its free! Even if I don't get the job, this was already worth it.

Cycle

I'm always falling into lame excuses why I can't run a race lately. I'm supposed to be spearheading my ward's stake 5k race effort tomorrow.

But I'm sick. I started feeling it on wednesday night but didn't pay it much attention. Then I went and painted Ron Paul banners all night thursday without a jacket and by this morning I felt horrible. I went in for about 20 minutes of work before I expressed to my manager that I didn't really want to be there today. Luckily they had an extra person scheduled.

Seasonally, this is about the right time for me to get sick. I remember exactly where I was around this time last year...cuddling with another sick person, listening to music: Coldplay and some movie soundtracks, falling asleep...and it was so serene for a few hours until the alarm went off sometime around 6 AM and we both had to get up and go face the world. I didn't do a very good job facing it for a while after that.

This is the time of the year when my spiritual life, at least the spiritual life that I generally think I'm supposed to have, hits an ultimate low that its been working towards since sometime in the middle of summer. I get depressed and start thinking about ways to leave Provo again and somehow abandon everything that is my sorry little life.

I watched this movie called Year of the Dog the other day. Its actually sort of a silly dark comedy, but at one point the main character gets let down by another character and starts crying and then says the whole situation is okay because she's finally realized for certain that everyone just ends up disappointing her. I almost started crying too.

I've started fantasizing about shipping off somewhere and starting fresh, finding a boyfriend or just a calling, blah blah blah. Its dumb, I know, but its sort of how I operate.

I bought a car. A little red BMW 325. We're almost the same age and its loud as hell thanks to a souped up muffler, but I like it. I've always wanted an old beamer.

I applied to be a flight attendant for JetBlue. I was surprised to find out that my application had moved forward and yesterday I did an "automated telephone interview". I think I did alright overall, but my response to the first question was a little shaky and awkward because I was trying to get used to the idea of being personable with an audio recorder. I'm anxious and excited to see what happens. Would I be able to go to school with this job? No... Its also a ridiculously stereotypical gay guy job, but I don't care. I'm in love with the idea of getting to just take off all the time. If I make it, I'll be able to get on any domestic standby flight for free with just about any airline. For international flights, all I would have to pay is taxes. I get starry-eyed just thinking about it. Of course, it would be a while until I wasn't on-call with a completely unpredictable schedule, but ahh...just imagine...going anywhere.

Even if I don't get the job with JetBlue, I'm sure I'll have come up with some method of escape by February or March even though I'm trying to gear up to go to UVSC in January.

I'm living with my oldest sister, Amy, right now. I'm always trying to think of better ways to be her brother. I know I lack in that department sometimes. I have a feeling that she and my two other sisters should finally know about what is going on in my life, but I can't find a reason to tell her other than I just feel like I should. So I don't... I just help out a lot with the housework and the kids, especially the things I know she hates doing like the dishes. She does such a good job with her lot in life. She's a wonderful mom and her kids are bright and adorable and have grown up not wanting for love. I just hope she feels fulfilled with that. I know its sometimes hard for her to keep the perspective that she holds on to so tightly. She's so smart, and I know she sometimes wonders about the what ifs and what could have beens in life. She doesn't show it anymore, though.

I just watched The Family Stone sitting here in bed. What a nice little open-minded family. The gay couple seemed so reasonable.

I had this idea that I was going to read the whole Book of Mormon over the summer and sort of straighten up and fly right and gain a more solid testimony. I did so well for a while. Not only doing the BOM thing, but writing in my journal, going to all the church meetings and activities that I could in Anchorage, keeping everything clean and organized, keeping track of finances and planning a budget. Everything was great for about a month there and then it got sporadic and then it puttered out.

I should muster up the motivation to get my act together again, but theres this problem with turning things around in my life or repenting or whatever, and that is that I've started to see how despite my noblest of efforts, my "bad side" always finds a way to outsmart my "good side."

Things are going in a different direction fast and I don't know if I should just go with it and see where I end up, or for the millionth time try to correct course for a place that I can't be sure about but feel is right...maybe only because I feel secure with it. Both sides have their case and both are unknowns.

That last bit was so general and cliche that I'm annoyed with myself. I'm done writing for now.