Sunday, January 06, 2008


It doesn't go away even when you're going out with someone. I thought maybe it would...

See, there's this part of me that I don't like to talk about much. A part that does really stupid things now and then. A part that wakes up somewhere he really shouldn't be at some Godless hour in the morning covered in God knows what, God knows where. He showers and goes home, wherever that is, usually listening to some music to try to cover up whatever emotion he is feeling inside. This part of me came to full actualization sometime around 15 or 16 years old.

This sick, nasty part of me is what makes me feel terrible. It's what gives me this constant need for repentance. It makes me say prayers and make promises and plead and beg and want to die.

So, I thought, "I should have a boyfriend." A legitimate sort of person to person connection that's not all gross and weird and maybe the gross weird part of me will go away...because I don't feel bad about holding a boys hand when I really like him or kissing him or really doing anything with a boy when it just happens because we like each other very much.

And I've got enough guts to handle being in a gay relationship. I can make that identity mine and make it work.

And so I've been dating a boy.

And the gross part of me did go away for a while. Its so nice to just focus on someone you're falling for when the feelings are reciprocated.

But I'm realizing now that I still have those sick urges. That maybe I'm really screwed up in the head.

The boy I've been dating lately is gorgeous. He's supermodel hot. He has these amazing angel eyes with long dark lashes. I'm big on eyes. He's relatively normal acting in public (which is a big find in the gay dating pool!) but just quirky enough that we can have sneaky inside jokes and be cute with each other. I always feel so lucky that he's even into me. I feel like the ugly end of the stick in this relationship, but he says he likes me and I'm doing my best to own that.

I've basically got what I wanted. I've even got what I want in abundance as the dating pool has opened up a lot of really attractive opportunities, though he who is mentioned above is the best one I think.

And even when I've already got the most beautiful boy in the world, this very dirty, weird Pinetree is still lurking in the shadows, willing to go off and do something bizarre and irrational with someone much less attractive.


If I was a character from Heroes, I would be Niki for sure.

P.S. - I love this song:

The Kooks - She Moves In Her Own Way.


Scot said...

I don’t want to say I know what you’re going though. I have though seen something similar in other gay men. I think such can be common when a person is introduced to their sexuality when it, as a whole, is posed in their mind as wrong, particularly when they act on it feeling shame. In an old and bad emotional habit, though they might now consciously see the reason they were wrong, they still feel that programming telling them that following their orientation is wrong and so the truly damaging sort of sexual behavior may feel as though it’s more of an option.

Again, I don’t know if any of that applies or even makes sense :-). It’s just a common problem some need to fight through, particularly in these parts.

And I don’t know who I’d be but I'd want to be Peter--telekinesis, time travel, regeneration, and nice abs.

[əɪ̯ wʌndɹ̟] said...

those sick urges

You mean sex? Or what? Because I really, really don't think there is anything at all wrong with those feelings/urges.