Saturday, August 08, 2009

Feeling stuff.

Sometimes my emotions are pretty fucked up. I wish I could just manufacture feelings sometimes. I sure do try, but even if I manage to put other people at ease, I never feel quite right inside. Sometimes I wish I could feel one thing, but I feel something completely different, like my emotions are colored coded wires that were plugged into me by a color blind old man.

This manifests itself in all sorts of ways in my life. I was going to give some examples here, but I've decided to instead just be vague instead/

I'll want to feel excited or extroverted, but instead I feel indifferent and alone. I'll want to gush happiness or pride in someone else, but instead I just feel my own self esteem cut down. I'll want to feel secure and grounded, but instead I feel unstable, unsure, raging. I'll find myself wanting to be silly, and for the first time all day I'll have nothing silly to say.

On the flip side, I usually feel excited and happy in a disaster. I like being extroverted and making friends with people who aren't comfortable in their own skin. I'm always hilarious when it doesn't matter.

Maybe this is a result of my upbringing, or maybe its some kind of genetic flaw. Maybe I have the wrong attitude about stuff. Maybe I have the wrong perspective or maybe there's a divine order to things that I'm going against. Maybe I'm surrounding myself with the wrong people. Maybe I'm bipolar. I don't know, but I'd like to know how to fix it and just feel what I would like to feel at the right moments. Does anyone know how to do that?

1 comment:

Lizalopoli said...

I have the exact same problem. Let me know if you figure out how to feel like you want to feel.