Wednesday, November 16, 2005


You know that feeling when you stay up way too late just being dumb, and then stay up later working on your Book of Mormon assignment and they stay up even later eating ice cream because you haven’t gotten it done?

Yeah, that’s the one.

I feel so worthless these days. I get lazy, and then depressed because I haven’t gotten anything done, and then more lazy because I’m depressed. My grades are shit. Social life is a mess. I have student loans that feel like they are going down the drain. I have no desire to go to work. I just want to crawl into bed all the time. And I do. I’m so tired lately. If any bad things happen, I think I’m going to crack.

On Monday I forgot to take a test. I thought I could still pass this class, but not anymore. I went to Beto's in the freezing cold and just sat there and stared out the window eating a breakfast burrito. There was a car outside the window being sold for $1200. I have that in student loans right now. It's getting harder and harder to not do stupid things.

I went to DI because it was across the street and because I needed some jeans. My mom threw out one of my last pairs when I went home last sunday because they had all these holes in them, lots in the bum area. She's been wanting to throw them away for a while. Blueshorts met me there and got some stuff and then we went to Big Lots to look around and get out of the cold. In the middle of it I just plopped down in one of the big easy chairs they have there and wanted to just die or cry or something, but I didnt. Blueshorts sat down too, and we just sat there watching people and listening to the horrible music, forever.

It’s not bad all the time. Like when I get to hang out with cool people like pretty much all of you who read this or like yesterday when I got to babysit my nieces. We played hide and go seek and tossed each other on the couch and watched Veggie Tales and Dora the Explorer and I taught them the Macarena and read them stories. But there’s this shadow over everything and it looms everywhere I go.

I talked to my mom the other night about my... (insert generic term here, ie: issue, dilema, problem, trial, situation, etc) My mom is really great and she listened and tried to empathize, but she just can’t and she had no idea what I should do about anything either. Told me to pray. Said she didn’t understand why I can’t go on a mission. Ugh.

I had this weird day dream (?) the other day. Or maybe it was just the leftovers of a dream I had that night. Anyways, I had just gotten out of bed and was walking up the hill to campus. I was listening to my iPod; something raucous was playing. All the people were walking by like they always do. I was sort of half asleep still and maybe that’s why my head was off in space somewhere, but in this dream I was just imagining the whole of BYU falling to pieces beneath my feet. And then I realized I was destroying it. I stood and hit the ground and everything shook, like the hulk. I was using this weird mix of superpowers and conventional weapons, bombs and explosives. I would sneak around, ninja style and plant bombs and fly off and just make things shake and crumble. I had gotten people to help me do it too. Lots of people. I was on TV and the police and the army had come but they couldn’t stop us. Church leaders were imploring us to stop. I gave some other people super powers and we were just too much. We were all just mad at the BYU and the world for one reason or another I guess. It made lots of sense at the time. It made me wonder a lot about what dreams are supposed to mean, if anything.

I might really be on TV tonight. Not for anything nearly as dramatic as what I wrote above though. They were doing a news story about Y marks at the bookstore and I was taped a couple of times. I could be on KSL 5 at 5 PM or 10 PM.

As another weird brain connection, I got some new checks yesterday. They have superheroes on them. Awesome. Paying bills will be just a tad less painful now.

Back to the Y marks. We are selling Y marks at the bookstore now. It’s basically this big drive to help local food banks and the United Way and I always push them pretty hard (“Would you like to donate a dollar to BYU’s food drive? *does his best to smiles pretty*) at my register because a lot of people are willing to donate a dollar if someone just prods them in that direction. I guess there is some contest we are having against the U as well.

It’s hard to get to work these days, but once I get there, this has made sort of a twisted little game out of it. If the person donates a dollar to help other people, I’m super nice to them, I make sure I get all the discounts they can possibly get, I bag everything carefully, make polite conversation sometimes, and then tell them to have agreat day, or occasionally, a wonderful day.

If the person doesn’t donate a dollar, I just do my job, bag the stuff, give them a little “thank you”, usually without a smile, and ask for the next customer. I don’t wish them any sort of day, and sometimes, when it’s a really fat person buying all sorts of expensive candy for themselves (It is totally cool to be fat and buy candy, but if you’re gonna be one of those people, you’d better give a dollar to the food bank) or some snotty parent buying a gajillion dollars worth of toys to spoil their already spoiled children with, or when it’s a professor that you just absolutely know is loaded and they talk all stuffy and condescendingly....when these people say they don’t want to donate a dollar to help the local food bank, I secretly hope they trip on the way out, or have a heart attack after eating all that candy. I secretly despise them.

The Ring Bearer came in once and acted as a sort of external conscience for these people. It was great. Some lady didn’t want to buy a Y mark and he stood right behind her, shaking his head and saying “Shame, shame....” Ha! And then he heartily congratulated someone for buying one after the other lady left. Hehehe. Thanks, buddy! :)

I need to go take a shower now, but really there are a lot of other things I could post about.

P.S. I think you sign up for the Moab Canyonlands Half-Marathon today, so if any of you all want to do it, let's get on that.


el veneno said...

- Yes, I know that feeling.

- You are a stud. One of the coolest people I know.

- I'm glad you finally thought of something to post about... lots of stuff to post about really. I like getting inside your mind. You're quite mysterious sometimes.

- If you ever do the Hulk thing and rage on campus, please let me be one of the people you give super powers to to help you. PLEASE!!!!

- I need to go to the bookstore tomorrow to buy all sorts of expensive candy for myself. IfI had an extra buck I would buy more candy for myself, thank you. Remind me not to go to your register.

- It was about time you took a shower.

- I'm definitely registering for Moab, just waiting to hear back from my other friend who I always run it with. I'll let you know. Other people should sign up too.

Latino-dude-in-Utah said...

I told you before, everyone thinks different and there's nothing wrong with that.... and what makes a thought weird? I'm a lot weirder than you are.. but that's ok. so far I like the way you are, sometimes I feel you're afraid to say what you think or something (and that's ok.. everyone is different... but don't think that ur weird)and life sometimes sux, but remember that things happen for a reason...

Christmas Smurf said...

Hmm I might like your writing better when you are bitter and depressed. But I'd rather you were happy and stpped blogging all together. Though as long as you're sad, keep up the writing. Also, are we gonna go see Rent on Wednesday? We need to hang out soon. Oh, and come to my birthday party, too.

Christmas Smurf said...
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