Sunday, October 29, 2006

Still good for a fight, even if it doesn't seem like it.

So this blog will cover a lot of things in no order at all. It's sort of a weird mix of stuff, as usual.


I'm dancing down the streets of Provo dressed in a cowboy suit with the folkdance ensemble. We're doing a gypsy dance and a Ukranian dance and then inbetween those we lift all the girls up and they wave to the crowds on the sidewalks and we all sing "Oh Susana." I'm in formation dancing with my partner, a really pretty girl with these giant beautiful eyes that I find so incredibly attractive on people. Down two people from me (approximately 5 to 8 feet) is this boy that I have a huge crush on. He also has beautiful eyes. He's dressed in liederhosen doing all the same dance moves I'm doing in my cowboy suit. Sometimes real life is so ridiculously unreal.

We won first place among all the entries to the parade.

This boy I was talking about has been driving me nuts lately. He's gay, (otherwise being attracted to him wouldn't bother me at all) and he's always around. I can handle crushes when I never actually have to interact with the person, but I am interacting with this guy on at least a weekly basis now. I'm all self conscious all the time because of it. I don't feel comfortable with how I look or act or do anything and it's really stupid. Having a crush is so frustrating.


My cousin was just hired at Los Hermanos. Actually she is my cousin's daughter. Mostly all I know about her is that she grew up in Washington and I think she has some eating disorders. Her name is Andrea. I've been forcing myself to remember that. I've run into her 3 or 4 times before on campus or around town and have always had to to sneakily ask a friend to ask her name and then tell me so that I could talk to her to her face without sounding stupid. I had to do it again at work when I realized she had been hired. Really horrible, I know. Hopefully we will get to know each other better now that we work at the same place. Weird that someone in my family, even if it's my extended family, will be around all these people like Smurf or Brown Sugar or hot Rachel who sort of know me. I'd probably better stop cussing at work anymore.


I look up to my older sister, Lois, so much. When I was little, Lois was the sibling who I could go to when my older brother, John, was beating me up or when my older sister Amy (a year older than Lois) was being neglectful or mean. Lois always found a way to make it better or get my mind focused on something else or reason things out with me. She was many times the advocate on behalf of the younger kids, of whom I was the oldest. She could take down my older brother. (She was in top shape from being on a competitive jumproping team...yeah crazy, but also really awesome) She was the sister who also acted as a parent much of the time even when my other older sister would go into her room and read a book or draw or run off with her friend Anna to San Francisco. Lois made dinner and cleaned and changed diapers for my mom all the time.

Last week I rode up to my parents' house with Lois and then we did dishes and then went to her ward prayer and then back to her place where I did my laundry. She is so disciplined in everything. She's the relief society president and she tackles all her responsibilites plus a graduate degree and a full time job with so much grace and efficiency. She has this sort of demure quietness about her, which I think is partly due to the anti-social streak that we both get from our dad, but she interacts with people wherever she sees herself needed and she does it so well. Most of the time she is working around people, like all the lost boys on Peter Pan making a house for Wendy. She gets things done. Last week she was fellowshipping one of the new girls in her ward as well as finding two people places to live. She does all the little stuff like read her scriptures and say her prayers. She's also extremely creative and smart. If she doesn't know how to do something, she'll figure it out.

I asked Lois while we did dishes at my parents' house if she was dating anyone. I think she is really pretty and amazing, but I guess as a family member I'm biased. I've just never seen her go on dates or get all giggly about boys. She dresses really classy and knows how to do herself up, but she's not the type of person who would go up and flirt or tell a someone he had pretty eyes. I was almost afraid to ask a question of this nature because the rest of the family thinks of it as this hush-hush subject. My grandma once tried to set Lois up on a date and it ended very badly. When I came out to my parents, my mom let me know that she had wondered if Lois was a lesbian. (She's not)

Lois replied that she had always just felt like a 40 year old among all her peers. She wants to date a "smart" guy. She said she had a thing a while back for a boy in her ward, and that she thinks he liked her too, but then he got a great job offer in Virginia or something and that was the end of that. The other guys in her ward just weren't really dating material. (really they aren't, I found out by going to her ward prayer. They all still live at home and play playstation all day while all the girls in the ward go get their graduate degrees or PhD's or work in professional careers. It's really lame)

I hope something good happens to Lois. Actually, I don't worry about it too much because I know she always turns whatever she's given into something productive and beautiful. Most recently I am proud of Lois for going running regularly with her roommate now. She says she hates it because she can do hours of jumproping and be just fine but a few miles of running will get her all short of breath. It's good for her though and she keeps at it.

I'm not sure what I meant to say here exactly, but there are some thoughts in words about my sister, who means a lot to me. It's good for me to put these things into words. Maybe another day I will write about another of my family members. They're really all wonderful even if they seem ordinary.


I'm secretly hoping to flunk out of school this semester. If I do, I'm going to work until my contract at my current apartment expires, and then I'm going on an extended adventure, at least for the duration of my academic suspension from BYU. I'm going to be a bum, but not just for a couple of days. I will ride trains and get around however I need to and eat out of garbage cans if need be and go and see or do anything I want to anywhere I want to.

I am trying to get good grades though. I'm such a crappy student.


Church last week was great. During priesthood meeting, the EQP had told us all to go into Sunday School as reverently and quietly as possible. So we all did. When we got to class, there was a Powerpoint screen up that said something like, "Today's lesson is going to be a little different. No one is going to speak. *change slide* "The objective of today's lesson will be to be in touch with the promptings of the Holy Ghost, whose voice is still and small." *change slide* "Please take a moment to silently say your own opening prayer."

I thought this was sort of silly. I've always thought church classes went so much better when there was lots of discussion. Also my roommate, Russel, who was teaching the lesson is this extra spiritual/EFY Counselor/Peter Priesthood type of guy, so I thought maybe this was all some bogus attempt to make him look even more righteous or something, and I was kind of rolling my eyes and being all skeptical about it. I said my own opening prayer, asking Heavenly Father to please let me take all this seriously and help me not to laugh.

The lesson turned out to be really, really good. Basically he had us flipping to scriptures, reading them silently, and then silently writing answers to prompts he put up on the screen with power point. It made everyone think very personally about some basic questions. In one instance, Russel pulled a quote from Jesus the Christ talking about how the existence of Christ is pretty much indisputable as we have historical evidence that the man Jesus actually existed and taught and preached. The next slide went on to talk about how some believe in Christ as just a man, some as a great teacher, and some as the literal son of God and everything in between. The next slide simply asked, "What think ye of Christ?"

This caught me off guard a little. I tried to think of why I believe in Jesus Christ as more than just a great teacher, but my Lord. Things like emaculate conception or all the miracles or fasting for forty days or being half man and half God are all wonderful, but I don't really understand them and can't base a testimony on them. After a lot of pondering, I reminded myself once again why I believe in Jesus Christ as divinity.

Every time I do something wrong or stupid or shameful, there is a great loving power beyond me that can patch me up, express his concern for me, make me feel like I'm worth something, and get me back out doing the right thing again. There is a mechanism by which I can rise above my inadequacies and summon the better angel of my nature. I can feel better, I can do better, I can be better. I can pass this love along to other people. I can become perfect, no matter how unfit I am now. The power to do this is called the atonement, and everyone can use it. Jesus Christ is the reason we all have access to this power. He is the force that can pull an object moving in one direction back to the right direction. I don't completely understand this, but I can feel it working for me, personally. I can feel it in my bones and all over and I can watch it work in other people, whether they seem to be much better or much worse off than I. I can base a testimony on this because I know it is true and it works for me. I know that without this help, I would be doomed to a course of self-destruction and misery. We would really be as hopeless as we are sometimes compelled to feel.

I believe in the atonement, and therefore I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior and redeemer. Thusly, he must have been deity; much, much more than just a man who understood a little better than everyone else.


I've had so much on my mind lately, I'm sure I had more to write about, but I can't remember it right now.

Here's a little tidbit for your entertainment:


This is my friend Veronica and I in our fake engagement picture. Look how butch I am. Sort of.



Samantha said...

I want to write wonderful things about your post--because it was wonderful...but I'm too distracted by the ending, and because of who I am, I just have to say of your can take my word for it. But I really love the engagement ring.

gilmore guy said...

You said you're a crappy student. But that just means you're a successful person. To be a good student you generally need to be unbalanced and over focused on school work. Instead you have a better handle on life in its fullness: work, friends, family, church, and yeah, even time for some school.

epadavito said...

crushes do suck for that reason that you aren't really yourself, and for me it was like I could never just be - your heart is always going crazy and you get all wowed....its great when you can just 'be' .....Lois sounds very pleasant...and very pleasant she must be....I'm jealous that you got to dance as a cowboy - I was a cowboy for a halloween dance this weekend but didn't dance (cuz I was chapeuroning)...tell veronica she is good looking and I hope she finds somebody amazing....

FJ said...

I happen to agree with gilmore guy,you do have a balanced life and that you have friends,work,and all those other sorts of good things that he described.Pat yourself on the back and be proud of yourself.
It was interesting everything that you said in this psot that you made.I am also going through some issues at the moment and dealing with a few of the same issues that you are dealing with.If you would like,you can also check out my blog and comment on some of the posts.Comments on what I share truly make my day.

Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

That was a cool post. You really seem to have pretty broad dynamics to your personality. I liked that you covered a broad range of thoughts

I wish I had faith in Christlike you do... I am pretty confused as of late about a lot of things and I just can't seem to figure them out.

I did a fake engagement with one of my good friends too, but we actually published an anoucement to go with the pictures... it caused quite a stir.

Oh yeah, and I withdrew from school a couple weeks ago... I did it to save my GPA that I have worked so hard for. I'll be back at it again soon enough though.

Cool blog. I'm kinda new out here in the blog world and I really enjoied reading yours.