Cycle

I'm always falling into lame excuses why I can't run a race lately. I'm supposed to be spearheading my ward's stake 5k race effort tomorrow.

But I'm sick. I started feeling it on wednesday night but didn't pay it much attention. Then I went and painted Ron Paul banners all night thursday without a jacket and by this morning I felt horrible. I went in for about 20 minutes of work before I expressed to my manager that I didn't really want to be there today. Luckily they had an extra person scheduled.

Seasonally, this is about the right time for me to get sick. I remember exactly where I was around this time last year...cuddling with another sick person, listening to music: Coldplay and some movie soundtracks, falling asleep...and it was so serene for a few hours until the alarm went off sometime around 6 AM and we both had to get up and go face the world. I didn't do a very good job facing it for a while after that.

This is the time of the year when my spiritual life, at least the spiritual life that I generally think I'm supposed to have, hits an ultimate low that its been working towards since sometime in the middle of summer. I get depressed and start thinking about ways to leave Provo again and somehow abandon everything that is my sorry little life.

I watched this movie called Year of the Dog the other day. Its actually sort of a silly dark comedy, but at one point the main character gets let down by another character and starts crying and then says the whole situation is okay because she's finally realized for certain that everyone just ends up disappointing her. I almost started crying too.

I've started fantasizing about shipping off somewhere and starting fresh, finding a boyfriend or just a calling, blah blah blah. Its dumb, I know, but its sort of how I operate.

I bought a car. A little red BMW 325. We're almost the same age and its loud as hell thanks to a souped up muffler, but I like it. I've always wanted an old beamer.

I applied to be a flight attendant for JetBlue. I was surprised to find out that my application had moved forward and yesterday I did an "automated telephone interview". I think I did alright overall, but my response to the first question was a little shaky and awkward because I was trying to get used to the idea of being personable with an audio recorder. I'm anxious and excited to see what happens. Would I be able to go to school with this job? No... Its also a ridiculously stereotypical gay guy job, but I don't care. I'm in love with the idea of getting to just take off all the time. If I make it, I'll be able to get on any domestic standby flight for free with just about any airline. For international flights, all I would have to pay is taxes. I get starry-eyed just thinking about it. Of course, it would be a while until I wasn't on-call with a completely unpredictable schedule, but ahh...just imagine...going anywhere.

Even if I don't get the job with JetBlue, I'm sure I'll have come up with some method of escape by February or March even though I'm trying to gear up to go to UVSC in January.

I'm living with my oldest sister, Amy, right now. I'm always trying to think of better ways to be her brother. I know I lack in that department sometimes. I have a feeling that she and my two other sisters should finally know about what is going on in my life, but I can't find a reason to tell her other than I just feel like I should. So I don't... I just help out a lot with the housework and the kids, especially the things I know she hates doing like the dishes. She does such a good job with her lot in life. She's a wonderful mom and her kids are bright and adorable and have grown up not wanting for love. I just hope she feels fulfilled with that. I know its sometimes hard for her to keep the perspective that she holds on to so tightly. She's so smart, and I know she sometimes wonders about the what ifs and what could have beens in life. She doesn't show it anymore, though.

I just watched The Family Stone sitting here in bed. What a nice little open-minded family. The gay couple seemed so reasonable.

I had this idea that I was going to read the whole Book of Mormon over the summer and sort of straighten up and fly right and gain a more solid testimony. I did so well for a while. Not only doing the BOM thing, but writing in my journal, going to all the church meetings and activities that I could in Anchorage, keeping everything clean and organized, keeping track of finances and planning a budget. Everything was great for about a month there and then it got sporadic and then it puttered out.

I should muster up the motivation to get my act together again, but theres this problem with turning things around in my life or repenting or whatever, and that is that I've started to see how despite my noblest of efforts, my "bad side" always finds a way to outsmart my "good side."

Things are going in a different direction fast and I don't know if I should just go with it and see where I end up, or for the millionth time try to correct course for a place that I can't be sure about but feel is right...maybe only because I feel secure with it. Both sides have their case and both are unknowns.

That last bit was so general and cliche that I'm annoyed with myself. I'm done writing for now.