Sunday, September 04, 2005

New Frontiers

I’ve been neglecting my blog lately.

Where to begin....

The last couple of weeks have been great. So much has been going on. I’ll try to break it down for you.

The New Place

My new apartment is a humble little thing, but its in a great location and suffices nicely. People in the complex are really nice. The girl who works in the office has the biggest hair of any girl I’ve ever seen....and I’ve been in Utah for the last year, so I pretty much know big hair by now. My ward is fun, active, and outgoing, and I haven’t missed a single activity/church meeting/function yet. This is good.

My roommates are awesome; they are really fun, cool guys. And they are genuinely good people too. I’m hoping this will rub off on me some.

My room roommate's name is Ted. (Oh the irony....) This Ted is from a small town in northern North Dakota by the Canadian border. His graduating high school class was about thirty strong. They had to import prom dates from Canada. Ted served his mission in Samoa, and I think that must have been fitting because he’s sort of a big, laid back, island-type guy who knows what is important to stress about and what isn’t. Coincidentally, Ted has been hired to work at my brother in law’s company, so he’s basically part of my family now. His girlfriend is really sweet and bakes good things like banana bread and cookies (as any good domesticated Mormon girlfriend should...*wink*... Kidding! Kidding! ...especially if Eleka is still reading my blog... :/ ) which I am allowed to eat

I just realized that naming names on a blog as bold as mine probably isn't such a good idea, so my other two roommates will remain nameless. I will leave the first roommate's real name as it should be a bit of comic relief.

Roommate number two is on the BYU band and plays the trumpet. He is sort of quiet most of the time, but perfectly agreeable and nice to talk to. He’s also very neat and organized and owns a big electric griddle which will be fun to play with. Everyone needs to come over for breakfast sometime.

Roommate number three is a fairly attractive guy, so the ladies in our ward dig him I think, and he’s a good contribution to the collective coolness that is our apartment. Number three is on the folkdance team at the same level as JD, so I’ve met a few of their mutual friends already. Number three got me to try out for the folkdance team the other night...

The Folk Dance team

...and I made it! Actually this isn’t such a huge deal as most of the guys who tried out made the cut, but I’m excited about it. I went to my first folkdance class Friday, and we learned this wicked cool dance that you do in a circle with lots of shouting and turning and fun footwork. Tons of fun. We basically learn a bunch of ethnic group dances, like the kind of thing you see in the family get-together’s on My Big Fat Greek Wedding where everyone shouts “Opah!” Folkdance is a lot more casual and playful than other social dance at BYU and much less rigid. Although things like Waltz, Swing and Cha-Cha do have their appropriate times and places.

Oh! And one or two people couldn’t make the folkdance class, so there is an opening or two for guys on the team. I figured they would just call back some of the people from auditions, but apparently not. The teacher said to see if any of our friends wanted to come, so if you:

A) are male,
B) can walk straight and know your right foot from your left,
C) are able to take simple instructions, and
D) want to have loads of fun with a bunch of cool people on a BYU folkdance team,

talk to me and I may be able to get you in. It’s really not that hard and very worth it.

Another interesting aspect of the being on the Folkdance team is...

The Girl

Chick happens to be on the same team as I. Chick is a cute, fun, perky girl from my stake back in California. Chick has given me her number twice this year, and accompanied the digits with a smile and a quip about how we should go do something sometime. Now, I’m certainly not an expert in the field of female flirting (for reasons that should be obvious) but the Deutschlander agrees that this is probably a good indication that she’s interested in me.

And the weird thing is...I don’t mind that. Chick is a lot of fun, and I may even ask her out sometime. Now, I know what you’re thinking....Pinetree is gay. He’s 100% naturally grown-in-the Bay-Area-California-homosexual. But Chick is one of those extremely, EXTREMELY rare girls I wouldn’t mind trying to make things work with. I am not physically attracted to Chick (or any female really) in the slightest. In fact, I’m not sure if I am smitten with Chick, or just infatuated with the idea of going out with Chick.

A real wake up call came to me later last night when the UofU boy called wanting me to show up in Salt Lake. He thought it would be cool to see me again.... and as I hung up the phone, I melted. I didn’t go to Salt Lake, (mostly because I can’t) but whatever attraction there is to this guy, who I have only talked to a couple times, was a hundred thousand million times stronger than anything I’ve ever felt for a girl. I want to stress that this is the attraction alone, and not necessarily love. I think I have been in love with girls before, but not attracted to them really. This is a difficult concept to explain, but I think all the Family out there will understand what I mean. Anyhow, after the UofU boy called I tried to think of Chick again and it just wasn’t doing anything for me. I felt pretty lame for a while... until the Deutschlander picked me up and we went to Village Inn to eat our feelings like two adolescent fat girls. Mmm....feelings.

So I’d like some female opinions here.... What would you think if a gay guy was trying to pursue you? I mean, he may not do the best job at it as it just isn’t something that comes naturally for him, but he’d be making a real effort. And he would want things to work out, but wouldn’t be sure if they could or not. Oh yeah, and he wouldn’t be physically attracted to you in the slightest. Making out would be sort of a chore, like cleaning your room. Sounds magical eh? Yeah...

Never the less, I stand commited to doing what I know is right. Or at least what I believe is right. With or without a female.

And honestly, the last little while has been quite guilt free and very peaceful and happy. There’s this vitality that has returned to life lately. I mean, I haven’t felt ...hmm, whats the word here...euphoric? at all. There’s this feeling I would get while dancing at a club or something that was just ...being on air....rapture, jubilant, fun, attractive. I’m never going to deny the fact that going clubbing is extremely fun for me...and I probably shouldn’t even promise that I’ll never do it again ...but I know what is right and I’ll try to live life minute by minute, making each moment a little bit better than the last. It’s definitely not always fun, and sometimes it simply comes down to pure discipline; fighting the little things in my brain until my head aches. Reading my scriptures regularly has helped a lot. Its an interesting phenomenon. It all seems very tedious, but I can face myself when I look in the mirror in the morning, and I haven’t been hurt or ashamed. I think this is much more healthy than the alternative, but that’s just me.

Some might be able to take my words and decide that I’m wrong, or tell me how I’m not living because I don’t know the depth of their pain and the height of their bliss. And who knows? Maybe their argument is valid. But it only seems so some of the time.

My mom always said the devil was nine truths and a lie.

My grandpa would always say that a man standing on a toilet was high on pot. And that a fat woman riding a bicycle was pedaling ass all over town. Grandpa was a wise man.

The Paper

I have an interesting assignment for one of my classes. I’m supposed to write a personal statement; a paper that describes my character and what has shaped it. I think I’m going to have to make a lot of it up, for the sake of my TA's sanity.

I’ll quit writing now. My blogs make less sense the more I write. I’ve discussed the focus issue before right?

I’d just like you all to know that I’m still alive and doing pretty well.

I’ll leave you with a quote I left on another’s blog recently. I’d like to post it here too. It had an impact on me.

“Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

from C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters. Read the book. It's good.


Given said...

So glade to see you're still alive and kicking my friend. I agree that most Family knows how it feels to have this situation. That is to have a girl like you but feel nothing for her though you try, and in the midst of your attempts some fellow captures all of your emotions. Mine was the Filmmaker; unintentionally stealing my eyes and attention from the Mochahourglass. In any case, we mustn't cease enduring to the end. I hope all goes well for you in regards to Chick.

el veneno said...

Good to see another post. I like your attitude. Reading that post just helped me figure something out that's been bugging me recently so thanks for that.
On the girl thing, I'm at the same point you are. I've dated girls who were fun, interesting, and everything I should want. I've made out like it was a chore like you said. With the most recent girl I honestly went home and brushed my teeth for like 5 minutes straight afterwards then called up a guy friend and spent the next several hours just emotionally healing from the conflicted confusion caused. For the female readers, don't get me wrong- I totally cared about the girl and it took me months to kiss her, in fact, she kissed me first so I don't want to sound like I was just messing with her or experimenting or something... I'm just saying its complicated. Anyways, I'm interested to hear the girls perspectives.

cry me a river said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
cry me a river said...

Yay for girl comments.

Female perspective: It's not an ideal situation. In fact, for the girl, it's probably far from ideal. A girl would probably love the attention that you would be giving her. I know that I love talking to you because you have a ton of excellent qualities that make you an awesome person to talk to. So Chick might feel the same way. I have to also say though, that I would feel slighted in terms of attraction. I would want whoever I was with to be attracted to me, preferably strongly attracted.
So all in all, my opinion is that a gay guy is an awesome friend, but not so good as a boyfriend. But you know, I haven't met a lot of gay guys that pursue girls, so god only knows what works.

el veneno said...

Cry me a river-
Thanks for an honest comment. I've had lots of fun dating girls casually and I think that's cool for everyone involved because its more just like being friends like you said. They feel good to have a guy with them and I feel good to not be alone. I've dated a few girls more seriously and always worried about somehow cheating them because I'm not that in to them.
Hearing your opinion isn't easy cause its not like the warm fuzzy response that says "yeah, we can just pretend everything is perfect" but its the truth and thats good to hear. I'll keep dating girls and trying to be emotionally and physically honest with them. Although I haven't yet told a girl that I'm really more attracted to guys I don't fake attraction that's not there either. I mean I just try to be honest without dropping the "gay" bomb cause that is so misunderstood and I'm sure would hurt the. I hope that someday I'll meet a girl and really be attracted to everything about her. I think its a possibility and when that happens I know I'll feel great about the relationship cause I will be physically and emotionally interested in her. Plus, I'll be sensitive and enjoy shopping with her, so she gets the best of both worlds. I'll tell her the whole truth about myself when I know I love her enough that I want to make it work forever with her and then I'll let her make the decision. I know that's going to be an uncomfortable moment and maybe hurt her but honestly that's the only way I know to od it. Anyways, that's a long way off but I think it can happen.
Really thanks for posting and hopefully more girls give their opinions.