Sunday, February 25, 2007


She came by tonight while I was gone. She probably found out that I sent her the valentine. My roommates said she sat waiting around forever for me to get back. She left her number. I walked half way to her apartment tonight and then walked back.

ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!!!! What am I supposed to do!?

Don't get me wrong, I think this girl is awesome, but I mostly like adrmiring her from afar, especially at church when she leads the music. She's so pretty and calm and confident. Its so weird to have to talk to her. I don't know why I get nervous, its not like there's this turn on that there is with guys, I just don't want to look like an idiot around her. Also, I blow things way out of proportion and my mind tries to fast forward to actually dating her and I freak out.

What do I say to this girl? "Yeah, I'd love to go out with you. I'm gay, is that cool with you?" Blah. But she has to know. I can't lead her on. I just won't do it.

Do I even have the stamina to date a girl? I haven't even been able to focus on school long enough to get good grades lately. I'm ready for a new job after a little less than a year. I'm moving to Alaska in the summer and who knows what or where I'll be after that. I'm so inconsistent and ridiculous and crazy. This girl doesn't know anything about this boy that she maybe likes and I'm an idiot for leading her on even this little tiny bit. Also I have a rebellious streak that I try really hard to channel into good rebellious things, but I dunno if she could be cool with that. She's solid. I'm all over the place.

I have the stupidest questions running through my head about her and I haven't even gone out with her once. There's just all these little notes and the tension. Would she try to go running or watch Tyler Perry movies or hop on a plane with me tomorrow if I wanted to? Does she like ice cream and could she play along when I'm being silly? Does she want to do big things with her life? Would she mind making all the first moves physically? because honestly I don't know how to do that with a girl.

Yeah, I want to be married someday. I want to have a female counterpart, a partner in crime with two X chromosomes who can get dressed up and be pretty but who also loves me as much as I want to love her and who is independent and charming and smart and witty and wonderful. I want to have little kids I can play with and a family to go camping and watch movies and feed the ducks with. I want to have to figure out what to do when my 2 year old colors on the walls and I want to have to make a family budget and a home. I want to have a cool, spirited, compassionate, amazing righteous family that still sticks out like a sore thumb. Can't I just skip to that part?

This crap drives me insane. I can't picture myself in 10 years. I hope something comes together somehow. How will it though if I don't have the balls to even go talk to this girl because I'm already worried about our future together? What the hell am I thinking??? Hell. I'm stuck.


robb said...

It's true, the mind seems to have a will of its own and fast forwards every relationship - even ones that aren't even relationships...yet.

Yeah, there are a lot of things that are up in the air for you right now: work, school, state. So what. Talking to this girl is not a commitment to permanency. It's just talking, to a girl, in a dating way. You could use the practice, I'm sure that she could use the practice, and the great thing is that if it feels weird or you mess up, well, you're leaving for Alaska in a few months so you don't have to have any contact with her again if you don't want it.

Take a chance. Honestly, it won't be as awful as you imagine it. If you want the wife and kids someday, then you need the practice. And that's what, according to Elder Bednar, the church is for: a social laboratory where we work on perfecting one another.

Lastly, we're gonna do the Run for Red next weekend (Mar 10). You interested? It's only a 5K, but just a way to warm up for the spring.

agirlwho said...

Just start hanging out with her. One step at a time. I mean, I dated someone with SSA. It didn't work out, but we are still friends. It's worth it, even if it's just to gain a new friend. You don't have to worry about what to tell her or when... baby steps. Hahaha... I don't think my advice is very good right now. I'm so tired. Just remember that she's a person, not a means to an end.

Kengo Biddles said...

Don't over-think it. Take it a step at a time, like agirlwho says. And like robb says. Just take it one step at a time. Go hang out. If it goes somewhere, great. It's not like you're trying to marry her by next weekend!

Le Mec said...

I really appreciate your description of a future family. It's helpful because sometimes I get so complacent about the whole thing I forget how wonderful it could be. I think you have a wonderful intention and I agree with the others--take it a step at a time and let God guide you in it. Good luck!

PS: That was fun to meet you and chat last night. Glad you got to come!

SG said...

As one who was in your shoes about 20 years ago, here's my two cents. Back then we didn't come out and say "I think I'm falling in love with you and I'm gay". We were told to get married and things would work themselves out. Well, they did, but not without a lot of pain and patience.

Anyway, back to where you are today. Get to know her. Just be friends for now (maybe just for a short now). Find out what you have in common and how compatible you are. Believe it or now, I'd never really dated anyone seriously before I met my wife (I was 26); she had lots more experience than me. I'd never really even kissed a girl.

I knew I loved being with her. We had so much in common. I loved the feeling I had when I held her hand. One night we were walking around, talking, and we stopped and looked at each other and we kissed - it blew me away - I seriously didn't know how to do that.

That was 6 weeks after we first met. We've been married 22 years. She still loves me and I adore her.

All the things you talked about - about having a family - can happen if you work really hard at it. Get to know each other and trust each other. Be honest with each other. Tell her about your attractions and challenges. She can be your best support and ally, but only if she know. She can make an informed decision.

My wife tells me she would make the same decision today that she did 22 years ago. One day at a time. If two righteous people love each other and work at a marriage together - no matter what the challenges - they can make their marriage work.

Wayward Son said...

I really appreciate your post and I sympathize with your plight. It appears that this is the overriding conflict for SSA guys who want to live the gospel and get married. I think that leading a girl on implies that you show interest where there is none. But in your case it seems you’re sincerely interested in her. If you think there is even the tiniest bit of potential then you owe it to yourself to explore it. Otherwise, you'll never know and you'll likely regret it. The thing about relationships is that if we knew in advance whether we were compatible or that everything would work out in the end there would be no real point in dating or courtship, we’d just jump straight into marriage. The fact is that people go out with each other with all kinds of unknowns, and in every situation both parties have their own stuff they’re dealing with.

Also, thank you SG! Good to hear there is hope for those of us who made it to 26 without so much as kissing a girl.

Stephalumpagus said...

I guess everyone pretty much already said this, but I'll say it again anyway--just be her friend. Even if nothing happens, at least you'll get a friend out of it. And if you are really interested in her, then things might progress further than that. Just slow down a bit--small steps. And good luck.

epadavito said...

I had a similar situation once in oregon, I finally asked the girl out and realized she wasn't as fun up close - and I was sooo happy afterward that I did it - so you should just get it over with...

Vero Awesome said...

Oh my God, I do the exact same thing. Only, it's like "could I love this guy even a fraction as much as I loved my cheating ex-boyfriend?" and the answer is usually no, because I'll never trust another man again. We have a lot in common, you and I. We rebel against this seemingly perfect world while at the same time pressing our faces against the class and thinking "I want that. I really want that." Although I couldn't have put it as perfectly as you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to think myself to death, and prevent all good things from happening to me because I'm watching for them and so I avoid them.

The head almost always gets in the way in matters of the heart. And so, my advice to you is this:
If you're having trouble falling in love, Pinetree, stop choosing your steps so carefully. And maybe close your eyes...