She came by tonight while I was gone. She probably found out that I sent her the valentine. My roommates said she sat waiting around forever for me to get back. She left her number. I walked half way to her apartment tonight and then walked back.
ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!!!! What am I supposed to do!?
Don't get me wrong, I think this girl is awesome, but I mostly like adrmiring her from afar, especially at church when she leads the music. She's so pretty and calm and confident. Its so weird to have to talk to her. I don't know why I get nervous, its not like there's this turn on that there is with guys, I just don't want to look like an idiot around her. Also, I blow things way out of proportion and my mind tries to fast forward to actually dating her and I freak out.
What do I say to this girl? "Yeah, I'd love to go out with you. I'm gay, is that cool with you?" Blah. But she has to know. I can't lead her on. I just won't do it.
Do I even have the stamina to date a girl? I haven't even been able to focus on school long enough to get good grades lately. I'm ready for a new job after a little less than a year. I'm moving to Alaska in the summer and who knows what or where I'll be after that. I'm so inconsistent and ridiculous and crazy. This girl doesn't know anything about this boy that she maybe likes and I'm an idiot for leading her on even this little tiny bit. Also I have a rebellious streak that I try really hard to channel into good rebellious things, but I dunno if she could be cool with that. She's solid. I'm all over the place.
I have the stupidest questions running through my head about her and I haven't even gone out with her once. There's just all these little notes and the tension. Would she try to go running or watch Tyler Perry movies or hop on a plane with me tomorrow if I wanted to? Does she like ice cream and could she play along when I'm being silly? Does she want to do big things with her life? Would she mind making all the first moves physically? because honestly I don't know how to do that with a girl.
Yeah, I want to be married someday. I want to have a female counterpart, a partner in crime with two X chromosomes who can get dressed up and be pretty but who also loves me as much as I want to love her and who is independent and charming and smart and witty and wonderful. I want to have little kids I can play with and a family to go camping and watch movies and feed the ducks with. I want to have to figure out what to do when my 2 year old colors on the walls and I want to have to make a family budget and a home. I want to have a cool, spirited, compassionate, amazing righteous family that still sticks out like a sore thumb. Can't I just skip to that part?
This crap drives me insane. I can't picture myself in 10 years. I hope something comes together somehow. How will it though if I don't have the balls to even go talk to this girl because I'm already worried about our future together? What the hell am I thinking??? Hell. I'm stuck.