Thoughts on a closed chapter in Pinetree's very short love life.

Things could have worked with Jon. We were both pretty commited to our relationship. It could have lasted for a long time. We hit a plateua and in my mind it came down to three options:

One, we could keep on going out the way we were; one of use travels 56 miles or we meet inbetween, we go out and do something together or with friends, and then we go back home again.

Two, I could drop everything and move closer to (or even in with) Jon and find work and school up there. We could see how things work when we're in each others' lives day to day.

Or Three, we could call it a good run and break it off altogether.

Staying the way we were was getting time consuming, stressful and expensive.

I thought about moving closer, but really I just don't want to. And it's not that I don't do things like that on a whim ever, because I do. Moving would just put a lot of other people and priorities in my life on the back burner. And, perhaps the fact that I don't feel the desire to get up and go highlights more foundational issues with our relationship.

There was a lot that really could have been better. We don't share tons of interests really. For instance, he is huge on cars. He watches car shows on tv, works for a car company, dreams of owning many luxury cars someday...I don't know the first thing about them except that I like the look of old BMW's so I bought one. And I'd like a motorcycle, but other than that I could really care less. I like politics. He knows he is a democrat from a family of democrats, but really doesn't care for it as much as I do. I like trying new foods, he likes to stick with what is good and familiar. My sense of security comes from being as free as possible from all entanglements; school, work, debt, property, etc (there are good sides and downsides to this...maybe a whole other post on this later.) His sense of security comes from having a steady job and schedule and being able to have the good things in life that he wants. I like playing regular sports for fun, he likes the less conventional ones like skiing and golf and he wants to get into scuba diving. I like to read, he doesn't. He likes all Pixar/Dreamworks animated films, I'm more choosey about my kids movies.

Our upbringings were completely different. I grew up in a fairly diverse urban area in a small apartment with five other kids at least two states away from our nearest relatives in Utah. He grew up in a house in a pretty well off family in a small rural Mormon town where most of his extended family lives on the same couple of blocks. His aunt and uncle live next door, grandma in the next house. Our family dynamics are very different. My family feels like a collection of very different people who stick together because they are a family. His family is sort of like a unit where individual members feel like they have to break out on their own from time to time. If that makes any sense...

I don't feel like we connect on a basic level as well as I do with other friends.

Regardless, Jon is kind and funny and hard working and adorable. It was all workable, but does that make it right? I don't really think so. Based on my very limited experience, I think one can make something work with a lot of different people if one chooses to do so, but it might not be the best idea to just stick with the first one who does, especially when one is 21 years old and has a lot of other things he needs to get done in life....like getting through school.

Obvioiusly we broke it off. I don't think there will be any problem with remaining friends. I'm okay about the whole thing and I'm pretty sure he is too. He is going to try to date other people. I don't think I'm going to. We'll see.

The last four months were the only real legitimate relationship I've ever had and they were good months for the most part. I feel like I can say I know what it feels like to date a guy and work at it, and that's a good thing.

I also, oddly enough, feel like it wouldn't be as huge of a stretch to date a girl now, either. Being attracted sexually to someone is huge, but it's importance dwindles in time and you fall in love with everything else about a person. I've always known this, but it's hard to date a girl or even consider it when I'm wondering what it would be like to date a guy I'm attracted to instead. Well, now I know. And aside from the beginning parts, I'm not sure it's a hell of a lot different, as controversial as that is.

I think I will hold off on dating anyone for a long time. But it's a thought. I feel like I can make a much more valid judgement on that sort of thing now.

Man, there is a lot I could say...but I'm going to wrap this up.

But before I do, I should probably add this: I don't think that gay relationships are any less valid or meaningful than straight ones. It's really about what you choose for yourself, and when your decisions aren't hurting you or anyone else, they should be respected and even supported. If I know you, you're my friend, and you choose to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex, I will have your back. If I ever have kids or a family, you'll be welcome there. My spouse and/or kids won't ever think to look down on you for it, regardless of what my own family ends up looking like.

A new friend of mine has a quote on her facebook page that says "God belongs to everyone." I like that a lot. And I believe it.

Happy and Annoyed. But mostly happy, really.

HAPPY:
I fixed my car myself for a dollar a couple of days ago!

ANNOYED:
I had to fix my car because when I idled at stoplights or wherever, the "check engine" light would come on and it smelled like gasoline. I took it to a mechanic and he wanted to charge me $125 to replace the fuel pump regulator; $50-something for the new part and $75 for an hour's labor. So I looked down at where he told me the fuel pump regulator is and saw that there was a small plastic hose that wasn't connected on one end. I tried to reattach it but it was too small. Looked like it had shrunk. I went in to the parts section of the mechanic and asked a different guy if I could buy a new hose of that size. I bought a small piece of rubber hose to replace the old plastic one. My car's "check engine" light no longer comes on, nor does it smell like gasoline. I spent about a dollar and a minute fixing my car once the problem was pointed out to me, and this schmuck wanted to charge me $125 for it. Jerk.

HAPPY:
After a few weeks of consistently hitting the gym (pretty hard I might add) and eating healthy I had my body fat percentage tested and it was 6%!

ANNOYED:
I still don't have a six-pack. I have a nice line between abs one and two and a "kinda"-line between abs three and four if I flex my stomach really hard, but still a gut at the bottom. I thought the results of the body fat calculator thing MUST be wrong because I've read in several books that one should normally be able to see a six-pack at somewhere between 12 and 7 percent body fat. I took the test repeatedly and got the same results, within about .5 percentage points. Ridiculous. My body just does not do this six-pack thing...and yet I keep trying. I did eat a whole lot of junk this weekend just out of spite. Back at it next week though.

HAPPY:
The family was all over for conference today. :)

ANNOYED:
I was planning on going to priesthood session with my brother in law. I changed downstairs and came upstairs around 5:40 to find that he had left already. He was making a big fuss over getting "one of the soft seats this time." I guess he just figured I could meet him there. Whatever. So I drove over to our normal church building only to find no one around. Apparently they were only broadcasting at the stake center. I just don't know where our stake center is. I probably could have found out, but at that point I was so irrationally ticked off that I just skipped out on it for the first time since I was 12.

HAPPY:
I went to the gym after that. Then I got invited over to eat dinner by a friend.

ANNOYED:
I'm not sure where this friend lives or if he was even having dinner at his own house. I texted him twice to ask and got nothing. What the hell!? People are such flakes...

I know I shouldn't complain because I do flakey, stupid, careless things all the time. And because it annoys me when people complain a lot because someone flakes out on them. That's life. Buck up and get over it. Find something else to do with your time, right? Right. Its just extra annoying to me tonight for some reason and I want to to be a hermit-bum in Mexico right now...

Okay, really that's not completely true and life isn't bad at all to me right now. In fact, if we compared it with all of the other lives on the planet right now, my circumstances in life are likely somewhere in the top one percent. At least top five percent. Even if you really stretch out every issue and worry in my life AND I'm having a horrible day, I'm still probably somewhere well in the top ten percent. Those annoying things above were really about the worst I could come up with for all of you tonight and even they were all coupled with happy things.

And there are lots more happy things. I feel a lot better because I've been exercising and taking care of myself lately. I got elected to a very small political office - though I'll save stories on that for a later date when a little more political dust has settled. I'm working on getting back into school in the summer and I'm really excited about it this time. My brother is going to get married. My niece April is walking and she is adorable. She says words, but mostly just "hi" all the time. My room smells like the fresh linens scent candle on my desk. My dad and I had a good talk the other night about the gospel and ambiguities in life. I'm broke, but I get by just fine and I'm happy with what I have. Life is good - there's just enough conflict peppering it to taste.

Recent Events in Pictures

Ran a race in Moab with Josh and Erik! Our initial plan was to run the half marathon, but by the time race weekend arrived we chickened out because we really haven't been training enough to to run a 13 mile race. We only trained once all together. We ran about six miles and then headed to the nearest Wendy's for cheeseburgers... I might have been able to run it this time; I did it two years ago, but it would have been slow, ugly (even more so than the above picture) and painful. So we all signed up for the five miler which is almost as much glory for less than half the work :) And then we pigged out on post-race food and got massages from pretty girls.

We also hiked up to Corona arch and just goofed off around Moab. We got to stay at the old River Rafting warehouse where Erik worked this last summer. It was a pretty relaxing weekend.

Right when I got back from Moab, I started packing for California. We stayed with Robbie's brother and sister-in-law in Sacramento the first night and then took off for the redwoods in the morning.



Redwood trees are enormous. We drove through this one......and slept in this one. See below.

At first, only Greg and I were going to sleep in the tree. We were jumping up and down excited about how lucky we were to find this perfect hollowed out tree so close to our campground. I was stoked. We got camp set up and started to cook our foil dinners when the rain started. Turns out the tent that Jessica and Robbie were going to sleep in isn't very rain proof, so we all got cozy in the tree together. Ultimately I think we were all pretty glad we did, though Jessica didn't get a lot of sleep... We played around in the redwoods the next day. I found this really sweet log you could bounce on up and down like a trampoline. This is Robbie and I having bouncing wars.
This is a giant tree. Note how tiny Jessica is in comparison to this huge tree.
Here we are in the roots of a tree that fell over. We had a huge fight that morning as to who got to wear the pink. Jessica won. Next day we camped by the beach. Theres a giant wall of sand behind where we camped and behind that is the beach. On our side of the giant sand wall there were herds of grazing cattle.
Jessica lost her slippers in cow poop river.Jumping off a sand dune.


Ah, back to the bay area..... :)

Sunset beach. Aptly named.
Amigos.
Baywatch.

It was Greg's birthday that night and he is from the south so we took him to Bubba Gump's. We got all the desserts on the menu. I'm not smiling with my teeth here because my mouth was full of chocolate.The next morning we wandered around San Francisco. Here is Robbie inside Grace Cathedral.
We just happened to stumble upon this in Chinatown. I like to think that this is just always going on in China town. See that rope full of firecrackers? It was long and hella loud.

Mighty cool dragon. We beat this dragon into submission so that we could take a picture with it.We wandered a bunch more and met up with one of Greg's friends, who is the girl in the middle in the above picture. Some Germans took a nice photo of us that we will use as an album cover someday. We wandered into to a toy/comics store where Robbie and I picked up the latest edition of Astro City, which, if you've ever read comic books in your whole life, you should check out someday. After wandering we went to Golden Gate Park. This was sort of fun but mostly exciting for Robbie and Greg who know about plants and flowers and their names and that sort of thing. It was here that my brother called me to tell me that he is engaged. Going to marry late in May. Greg took tons of pictures that I'm not going to bother putting up. I liked this plant because it looks like chiles. Or Christmas lights.

Some delicious honey suckle that we ate. Some disgusting plant that Robbie insisted on trying because he knew it was edible. Imagine celery, but more bitter and horrible.

Of course we had to eat here before we left. Robbie and I both worked here when we were in high school.

Fast forward to yesterday, and here is us at Festival of Colors at the Hare Krishna Temple in Spanish Fork. I love the Hare Krishna Temple. If I don't get married in a real Mormon temple, I want to be married at the Hare Krishna one. I wish I had a picture of it handy. You can probably find it somewhere back in my blog a couple years ago. Its sort of like the Princess Jasmine Castle but with mountains in the background.

Now we are mostly caught up.

It just keeps on going

*Sorry for this post...It was late and I was bummed when I wrote it. I don't really feel like this all the time. A good friend wrote me a nice letter when I first posted it, and because of that I decided that I'm going to leave this post up. This is part of me and sometimes I feel like this.*

Maybe some of you that are older and wiser than me can give me some insight on life.

I read a few of my blog posts from way back when (2005) tonight and stood back from my life and thought about what it looks like so far.

If you were to plot my life from beginning to end, all twenty-one (nearly 22) years of it, you would see it like a radio signal with a constant frequency where after a certain point, the waves get progressively smaller in magnitude.

The good times come and go, the bad times take their place for a while, and the cycle continues on and on. But the more the good and the bad continue, the less effective each becomes. The good seems to get progressively less joyful. The bad seems to get progressively less nasty. I can appreciate most good things but I know they are nothing new, and that bad things will come again. I know how to deal with most bad things because I know that eventually there will be happiness and good things again.

So life loses its ferocious roar and becomes a steady hum.

I remember even back in first grade, how excited I used to get about playing action figures and ninja turtles and swords and whatever else with my friends in our apartment complex. We could play from morning until night. Hide and seek at night with the older kids in the complex was mind-blowingly incredible. Ditch and Nintendo and soccer and making forts and clubs... all of that was pure joy.
I also remember, as first grade was a particularly painful year for me at school, how much it hurt to get teased and made fun of by the second graders that shared our class. I remember wetting my pants (one of the most horrible things one can do for his social life in first grade) and not understanding what was cool or how to fit in at all. My mom worried about me a lot that year because I would come home and cry or throw tantrums because of whatever had happened at school that day. Its sort of a harsh thing to say, but that was a very terrible year, and had I understood the concept of suicide at that point, I might have tried it some days. Is that just a me thing?

Life went on and things went up and down more. The rest of grade school got better and worse. *note added after this post was written for the sake of accuracy: That's not true. It just got better. I made tons of friends later in grade school and the rest of my life. Things were still hard in school sometimes, but not that miserable again until somewhere in high school* Middle school brought all of these terrible and consuming new feelings that started to complicate my world, but I could ignore them most of the day. There was wall ball and lunch time and Animorphs and computer games over the internet and track after school. We started getting cable television free because the signal somehow came down from the new upstairs neighbors. Mom tried to have the management shut it off three times but nothing ever came of that so she gave up.

In High School there was sexuality and music and sports and movies and some understanding of politics and there was religion and meaningful relationships. Not girlfriends for me of course, but friends, male and female, who I cared about.

College brought more and more of all that...I got quite a fill on all of those things as a follow up to the taste I had in high school.

And then the waves got smaller and lately they just keep getting smaller. There are wonderful things like having a boyfriend and going camping and seeing beautiful things. Running races and dancing and delicious food. Driving with the music blaring.

But I also realize how much more important money and appearance and background and status are than i ever wished they would be. How thats what you're counted for in life even though its so difficult to control any of them. And how happy times for a lot of people become dependent on all of these stupid things. And how there are so many ugly horrible things that people do that you wish they would all just go away sometimes.

But it all starts counteracting and things are weighed against each other and stuff just comes out equal and well...its just life.

And it keeps going until it flatlines and your heart stops and you die.

So, all of you people older than me... Are things going to amaze me again? Can I ever look at something without seeing the flipside? Is there a breaking point to all this at some point or do i just deal with life until I know how to suffer through more and more horrible things until nothing phases me anymore and I can just die?

I don't know where I'm going here really. I'm not sure if I analyze things right ever. I'll think and thing again and you just get a glimpse of what I was thinking in this moment. I promised myself I would actually post what I wrote though, whether it made sense or not. So here it is.

Meet the Parents

I just got back from an interview with Holland America to be a tour director this summer. I still have my black slacks and shirt and tie on as I sit here on my bed writing this.

Ack! I have such mixed feelings about this job! I was trying to feign excitement about it at the interview but really I was sort of ambivalent. I want to go to Alaska so I can earn lots of money for school next year and so that I can get a free cruise to send my parents on vacation. My dad, who used to be in the navy, has always wanted to go on a cruise to Alaska to see the glaciers.

On the other hand, I have an amazing boyfriend and great friends here in Utah and I want to get a jump on school, possibly even starting this summer. Also, there are so many things I want to do and places I want to go this summer and I won't be able to do any of them if I'm in Alaska...though I'm sure it will be great to see more of Alaska than I did last year.

So to sum this up, I'm totally cool with getting hired or rejected, but I'd like to find out soon so that I can start planning my life.

In other news, I drove up to Kaysville and met most of Jon's family yesterday. (He met my parents a few days ago)

First of all, Kaysville is way out there. I love it though. It's not the suburban, commercial, overrun with billboards and concrete and signs sort of place that Utah County and a lot of Salt Lake County are. Kaysville is still a lot of country. It's growing, but the houses are farther apart and there are still places where you can look out and see open spaces and big sky.

It was a little bit weird at his house with his parents, but mostly good. They made small talk (though sometimes my mind went blanks and I didn't know what to say or what exactly they were talking about) and we had dinner over there. His mom makes amazing cookies, so really thats all I needed to like her. His parents are a lot like mine, actually. Mom is the more sociable of the pair and worries about her kids a lot and the state of her marriage depresses her sometimes. Dad is more distant, but very opinionated if you get him talking. I can understand these people.

After dinner we went to Jon's sister's place to watch the Oscars. His sister and her husband are way cool and a lot of fun. Jon's sister, Em, has a best friend, Kerry, who is a lesbian, and Kerry and her partner were there too. We had most of the gamut of sexuality covered in that living room. The lesbians were a riot to be with...extra hilarious girls. They fastforwarded through most of the Oscars though (tivo) and that was kind of annoying, but I guess Jon's sister and I were the only ones who actually wanted to see everything because everyone else seemed to cheer Kerry on when she grabbed the remote and pushed the fast forward button through whatever she deemed to be boring. I didn't fight it though, I just sat back and ate Reese's peanut butter cups to my heart's content.

We went back to Jon's place and talked and had some sweet sweet action in Jon's room (yeah, so nice...he's hot) and then I drove home.

I'm still feeling a little tethered in this thing. We're at the point where I know if it ended, it would hurt Jon. And me too a little...this guy is really incredible and I love him. There are so many things I want to do yet in life that would require me to move or be away though...I need to figure out how to make this work.

Tee-hee.

I've been laughing about this for about three days now. Hehe.

Sound off.

Here are some of my thoughts lately. They're a mess. Tell me what you think if you make it through.

Carol Lynn Pearson:
I read Goodbye, I Love You today. Its such a good book and if you're reading this blog I recommend it to you. It made me miss church a little. And California. It made me think of this time when I was about 8 and my Mom had a broken leg and the church really kept my family afloat. We had two Relief Society sisters over every day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Different ladies in the ward brought our family dinner every night. Charity did not fail. You know what I love about the church? That. I miss hometeaching too, and service projects and teaching in priesthood.

On the flipside, the book also reminded me about that particular aspect of Mormon culture, especially here in Utah, where everyone is trying to look like they're perfect already. Like their marriage is great even when its on the rocks, and porn and homosexuality and divorce don't exist, and we pretend there isn't any tension about race or sex but there is. We keep hidden a lot of female self-esteem issues and male sexuality issues and the two exacerbate each other and lead to a host of other problems. Plastic (sometimes literally) women over 40 come into the Good Earth and get into even more debt searching for the fountain of youth because they're trying to look good for their husbands who have porn addictions which we know affect huge portions of the population here in Utah but which no one ever admitts to. So many women, including my mom and Jon's, feel stuck in their marriage but don't feel like they can talk to any of their member friends about it because that would somehow reflect poorly on them. Three girls I've worked with now are treated well on a surface level among all their peers here, but no one will get close to any of them or even consider dating them because they are black.

But enough of that stuff.

To get back on track, Carol Lynn Pearson is a fascinating lady with an obvious talent for uplifting. There were a couple times in the book when she talked about auras and psychological healing and intense meditation and that was a little weird. You can be into that and be a perfectly wonderful Mormon, but maybe you should keep that to yourself? Maybe not. Whatever, I still love her.

While I'm a little bit on the subject of women's issues...

Twilight:
This book is ridiculously popular with women and we've got to find something more healthy for them to read. I started the book because my sisters all love it and I wondered what the deal was. Its sort of a step up from a romance novel. I'm only on page thirty something though and I'm already starting to feel like being fake, pessimism, not eating, and people who have no interest in me are cool. And that nice kids are all nerds. Crap! This is not an outlook we should be cultivating in young women!

On having a boyfriend:
It's really pretty nice. Granted, the guy I found is kind and considerate and my best friends like him so far and he's gorgeous. I'm sure not all gay relationships are this great. I feel like I'm in a good one.

We went out to eat one night and the waitress asked us jokingly if we were on a "man-date". "Yeah, actually we are." I replied. Jon nodded his head. That took her off guard, but also made her nicer to us the rest of the night.

I'm sort of in awe of Jon and feel lucky to have him around. I'm not sure how to describe this really well, but I just like seeing him and watching him react to things. When I see something I think is beautiful, I just feel like I could lose myself watching it and how lucky I am to be seeing it, and that's the effect Jon has on me.

Also, I'm proud to have him as a boyfriend. I like how he treats people and I like having him around.

Sometimes I am afraid, but its a sort of afraid I get about a lot of things (jobs, apartments, car insurance payments, etc.) The fear is that I'm stuck. That I'm tied down to something and I can't get out of it, even if it is something good in my life. A good friend advises me that this is normal. Its especially normal for me, so maybe I shouldn't worry about it so much?

The other day I wanted to quit both of my jobs, pack up my things, and drive to Mexico where I would live and get better at Spanish until I felt like coming back to America. I know that sounds absurd but I was on the brink of just doing it (still might). And then I remembered that I have a boyfriend and that wouldn't be fair to him. And then I got worried because even though our relationship is not overly serious at all, I feel obligated to him and what if that obligation hampers my ability to fulfil a lot of goals and dreams I have in life which might require leaving or being on my own? Is this crazy? I'm sure it is. I think things will work out though. I'm okay going with this whole boyfriend thing for now. I'll take it a step at a time and do the best I can at it. I shouldn't be so fickle about everything.

Quotes from my spaz niece, Kylie (4):
"Jesus is pretty happy right now that I'm helping you."
"Jasmine is immodest but she has nice hair."

Jobs:
Getting pretty tired of these jobs now, though pizza can still be fun. I have an interview to be a tour guide for Holland America this summer. I'm not sure if I want that or not. I actually have something besides an education to stay in Utah for right now.

Politics and Election 2008:
I really haven't written anything since Super Tuesday and so much has happened. I voted. I even made it on the front page of the Daily Herald with a Ron Paul sign at the intersection of State Street and University Parkway. My dad and I did some campaigning in our home precinct and I'm happy to report that Ron Paul did about twice as well (6%) there than he did statewide (3%). He also did much better in my sister's precinct, where I'm living right now (about 4.5%). Still, Utah County as a whole voted about 93% in favor of Mitt Romney, and Utah State followed suit with about 90% for Romney. These are pretty magnificent numbers that you almost never see in democracies outside of pre-war Iraq, China, The DPKR, or Iran.

Two quotes from one of my personal heroes, Sir Winston Churchill come to mind:
"Democracy is the worst form of government, except all the others that have been tried." and "The strongest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter."

Now Romney is out of the race (officially) and I'm not really clear on what happens to all of Utah's delegates to the National Republican Convention. All I know is that I'm going to try to be one of them this year. The Republican Party is hacking off its last leg, and maybe I can at least be a part of shaping it for someday down the road when it gets redeemed. If not, I'll just be independent or even democrat again just to fight the status quo here in Utah.

I'm pretty confident that I'll ultimately be voting for Obama at any rate. At least he's not duplicitous and he makes people feel good. And he's black. And another of my personal heroes, Oprah Winfrey, endorses him, so that really seals the deal right there. As goes Oprah, so goes the nation. And that can't be so bad...can it?

I never thought I would like Dolly Parton...

but it turns out, I love her. I'm planning my trip to Dollywood. Just so you all know, this video has a few clips from the Transamerica soundtrack, so if you're not comfortable with that, you probably shouldn't watch. This is the most wonderful song though...




I've got lots of thoughts on life and politics and things, and I'll talk about those later.

Vote!

Only a few hours left...Make sure to vote today.

A break from political videos. Jesse & Joy - Espacio Sideral

This is my favorite song right now, in English or Spanish. The music video is kinda crazy, but whatever.

This is kinda how I feel about it too.

(Don't worry, the blog will get less political in time. But for now, more saturation to come.)

Ron Paul. Make sure to vote on Super Tuesday.

This man makes sense.


Ron Paul at the latest debate available on YouTube, January 24th in Florida.



The two videos above are Ron Paul on gay issues. I agree with him 100%


Also, if you're interested, Ron Paul has a very solid Mormon following because his views line up very well with what most prophets have said about the role of government. Especially David O McKay and Ezra Taft Benson. Also see the work of Cleon Skousen, an LDS scholar who wrote and lectured about the role of government and visit mormonsforronpaul.com.
This is why my family is supporting Ron Paul. But its not to say that the church is endorsing any one candidate over the other, because it never does. The church expects you to get informed and make that decision on your own.

Lastly, there will be a Honk and Wave rally hosted by the Utah County Ron Paul Meetup Group at the intersection of University Parkway and State Street on February 4th, the night before Utahns go to the polls on Super Tuesday. If you like this candidate, come help wave signs, pass out literature and get the word out for him. And talk to your friends and neighbors.

President Hinckley

I've meant to say something since about 8:30 Sunday night about President Hinckley's passing. It caught me off guard, though I can't say it was completely unexpected. I'm very saddened by it.

President Hinckley was such a voice of reason in the church. I saw him put crowds of tens of thousands at ease. I saw him make all those people yearn to be better. He filled them with love. He filled me with love.

He had been the prophet through most of my spiritually conscious life; when I resented the church, feared the church, loved the church, put my hopes in the church, and then most recently sort of passively drifted away from the church...floating alongside somewhere. He was always there, but even when I took issue with the church and the messes it seemed to make of peoples' lives sometimes, I always loved Gordon B. Hinckley and still do.

He was a man of integrity, and not just in the way that politicians throw that word around. He knew what integrity was and lived it.

He knew how to enjoy life. He was wise and funny. He knew how to live and he knew all those little secrets about how to treat his fellow man.

I always thought of him as this sort of Yoda for the church, steadily hobbling along full of purpose with that little cane of his. He was a constant like the north star he always talked about, and he always stepped in at just the right moment, when it was needed the most, with something profound and stirring and loving and true.

The world has lost a spiritual giant.

This post doesn't really have a lot of substance, so you're allowed to skip it.

When I got in my car this morning, it wouldn't start.

I love my old beamer, but one of its flaws is that is has this fuel pump switch that you turn on from the inside before you turn on the ignition. It's meant to be some sort of drag racing feature, I guess so that you can kill the engine in the event that the brakes won't work or the gas pedal sticks or for whatever reason. The guy who owned the car before me was a mechanic who tinkered with things a little, and this is just one of several quirks.

So at any rate, I'm always leaving this fuel pump switch on. It's silent, so I don't ever realize that I've neglected it, but it drains my battery, so that when I leave it on for a few hours or overnight, the car won't start the next time I want to drive it. It frustrates me like nothing else. I've become a pro at quickly and repeatedly jumping my car battery.

So I realized this morning that I had left the damn fuel pump switch on overnight. That, right there, fouled up my mood for most of the day. As fast as I've gotten with jumper cables lately, I only had about ten minutes before I was supposed to be at work which really wasn't enough time to move my brother in law's truck, jump the car, and get everything back in place before taking off. So my sister just gave me a ride to work. I was pretty grumpy, though I tried not to take that out on her.

I was relieved to make it to work on time. I've been late a lot recently and I'm trying to redeem myself. Unfortunately, just as the relief was kicking in, my boss informed me that the employee fridge/freezer had died overnight and that my job for the morning was going to be cleaning that out. Most mornings this would be no problem; I'm no stranger to dirty jobs. But it wasn't what I wanted to hear upon arrival at work today

The one good thing about this task was that I wouldn't have to talk to anyone else for a good few hours...

Jon wanted to go to lunch today. I did not feel like going to lunch or seeing Jon, just because I was in such a pissed off mood and because I looked like crap. I hadn't shaved, I still need a haircut, I have this disgusting and persistent breakout right now on my face, and to top it all off I smelled like the inside of a dairy fridge (my next project after cleaning the employee fridge was pricing milk and butter)

I just felt like hell. And I looked like hell, and that made me feel even more like hell. I wanted to come up with some BS reason for why I didn't want to go, but couldn't think about one that wasn't just an outright lie (I did consider lying...) that Jon wouldn't shoot down. So I bucked up and went to lunch. I figure if I'm going to be in any type of serious relationship with anyone, they're going to have to see me on days like this so they can get a feel for what a complete mess I can be.

I didn't say anything to Jon about my ill state when he picked me up. I just tried to make small talk and make the best of our thirty minutes. We went to Quizno's. The line was long. I spent like 10 bucks because when I have feelings I eat them -- giant sandwich, bag of sunchips, apple juice, double chocolate chip cookie. Some of you anorexic people who do the opposite need to tell me how you swing that. I didn't end up eating a lot (although I assure you I would have given the chance) because by the time we got our food my break was about up.

Jon gained some major points for still being excited to see me and/or be around me when I'm like this. Nothing was said about it, though I felt extremely self-conscious and just outright embarrassed. Jon looked and smelled great (he always does) was clean shaven, and though tired, wasn't in a bad mood at all.

So he passed what in my mind was a good test. Worse is yet to come, I'm sure, but he's doing good.

I still need a little boost of self-esteem though sometime soon. I need to actually start running for this half marathon thing in March. I haven't exercised in weeks and maybe that will make me feel better. Now I'm just rambling. Nay-nay to rambling. I'm done.

Pinetree has a boyfriend.

and he came to Moab with Pinetree and his friends. And it was fun.

Libido

It doesn't go away even when you're going out with someone. I thought maybe it would...

See, there's this part of me that I don't like to talk about much. A part that does really stupid things now and then. A part that wakes up somewhere he really shouldn't be at some Godless hour in the morning covered in God knows what, God knows where. He showers and goes home, wherever that is, usually listening to some music to try to cover up whatever emotion he is feeling inside. This part of me came to full actualization sometime around 15 or 16 years old.

This sick, nasty part of me is what makes me feel terrible. It's what gives me this constant need for repentance. It makes me say prayers and make promises and plead and beg and want to die.

So, I thought, "I should have a boyfriend." A legitimate sort of person to person connection that's not all gross and weird and maybe the gross weird part of me will go away...because I don't feel bad about holding a boys hand when I really like him or kissing him or really doing anything with a boy when it just happens because we like each other very much.

And I've got enough guts to handle being in a gay relationship. I can make that identity mine and make it work.

And so I've been dating a boy.

And the gross part of me did go away for a while. Its so nice to just focus on someone you're falling for when the feelings are reciprocated.

But I'm realizing now that I still have those sick urges. That maybe I'm really screwed up in the head.

The boy I've been dating lately is gorgeous. He's supermodel hot. He has these amazing angel eyes with long dark lashes. I'm big on eyes. He's relatively normal acting in public (which is a big find in the gay dating pool!) but just quirky enough that we can have sneaky inside jokes and be cute with each other. I always feel so lucky that he's even into me. I feel like the ugly end of the stick in this relationship, but he says he likes me and I'm doing my best to own that.

I've basically got what I wanted. I've even got what I want in abundance as the dating pool has opened up a lot of really attractive opportunities, though he who is mentioned above is the best one I think.

And even when I've already got the most beautiful boy in the world, this very dirty, weird Pinetree is still lurking in the shadows, willing to go off and do something bizarre and irrational with someone much less attractive.

Why!?!?

If I was a character from Heroes, I would be Niki for sure.

P.S. - I love this song:

The Kooks - She Moves In Her Own Way.

Afterglow

I love this song. My buddy Josh showed it to me.

Wasted

Smurf got shot down by a girl tonight, so we bought root beer float stuff and got Mormon drunk. Then we talked a lot. That is all.

Tomorrow we're both going to UVSC, where things are going to be better for both of us. And for Gypsykid too.

Pinetree Pizza Boy

I've settled into a couple of new jobs. I work at a natural foods health store by day and deliver pizza at night. I'm all about sneaky double lives.

The Good Earth job is sort of tedious and boring sometimes, but its easy and I get a steady paycheck. For the first few weeks I worked the register, and that was terrible because you get a lot of mean old ladies and picky snobby people.

Quick sidenote to anyone who reads this blog, especially old ladies and those who are very particular: (now that I think of it, I'm probably just preaching to the choir....but I'll carry on) Think about yourselves in another person's shoes before you actually interact with them. So many of life's little problems would be solved if we could manage to implement the Golden Rule even with those who we think are of minimal of importance... like grocery store clerks and pizza boys.

So as I was saying, I worked the register but then quickly asked if I could learn to do some of the other things at the store. More recently, I've been able to avoid customers. I'm generally scheduled as an MPP (multi-purpose person) and I stock, price, clean, and lift heavy objects.

The pizza delivery job is perhaps one of the funnest I've ever had. In fact, I count the minutes at the Good Earth until I get to deliver pizza. I just drive all over Orem and Lindon all night on little missions. I eat as much pizza as I want. People are almost always happy to see me when I show up and they even tip me for it. I love this job!

Another great thing about the pizza job is the people. You know how at most jobs you get someone who thinks they are really important? Well, no one working at a pizza franchise thinks they are important. Consequently, everyone gets along great.

Perhaps the only downside to this job is having to wear a bright yellow shirt that makes me look like I have jaundice, but I cover it up with a jacket or pullover at night because its freezing and just wear my Papa John's hat and some khakis and big snowboots aside from that.

Anyhow, hella fun that job is.

In other news, I'm dating a boy. This is the first time I've really allowed that to happen, officially. But he's kind and smart and ridiculously good looking and I'm very tired with the church lately. I feel very let down by it (albeit not very let down by God, really) and very happy about him and just normal guilt-free being with someone in general. We'll see where this goes. It may be a temporary or permanent change for me. There's really a lot to say about all this, but I'll save it unless you ask.

I'm so excited for Christmas! I'll list here what I've gotten for all of my family because I'm pretty stoked about all of it and I haven't been telling them of course so it will be a surprise. I love getting presents for people. I wish we had Christmas more often. You'd be excited for these presents too if you knew my family:

Oldest sister, Amy: Mix cd. She keeps a list of songs that she likes from the radio on the refrigerator door and I burned them all onto a cd for her
Older sister, Lois: Gluten free brownie mixes and several pairs of really cool socks to go with these old Mary Jane shoes that she loves.
Older brother, John: Awake (Live's greatest hits) and a Kalai cd.
Younger brother, Alex: Two memory cards for his camera while he's on his mission in Germany. I actually sent these to him a while ago.
Younger sister, Lyndee: Lip gloss and body butter from the body shop as well as a fat gift card from there. I also got her a book to go along with it that has makeup tips and general how to's of beauty stuff in it. She's 17 in February. I'm not sure if the book will be taken as useful or offensive, but she should really love the other stuff at least.
Brother in law, Jared: BBC Wild Planet series. I love this show and he's always watching PBS specials while he bounces kids on his knee or whatever, so I figure he will like this.
Niece Krista, 7: High School Musical shoes.
Niece Kylie, 4: Disney Princess Calendar
Niece April, 8 months: Product red onesy (sp?) that says "Ado(RED)" because she really is.
Dad: A shirt.
Mom: A top.

I actually have a couple of other things in the works for my Mom and Dad that would have been way cooler, but didn't have time to finish them so I settled with clothes which they both actually could use I think. When I get these projects done though, I think they are going to blow my parents away.

I'm yawning now. I work tomorrow, and there's a lot I want to get done, so I'm going to call it quits for the night.

If I don't see you soon or write anything else on here, Merry Christmas. Be nice to people.

Headline News!

Ron Paul is headline news on CNN today!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/12/18/paul.fundraising/index.html

I contributed to his campaign! And remember, if you like this guy, don't forget to register to vote. If you're a Democrat, you'll have to switch over to Republican in Utah (even if ever so briefly) so you can vote Paul in the primaries. The deadline for switching parties is January 6th and primaries for Utah are on Super Tuesday, February 5th.

If you have any questions about Ron Paul or his campaign, ask me or just google "Ron Paul"

I'll post for real later.