Sinning in Sin City and Understanding Learning Deficiencies

Went to Vegas right after dinner on Monday with Rascal and Smurf. We camped out at Valley of Fire state park on Monday night/morning. We were driving around the park at about 3 am and couldn't find an available campsite, so around 4 am we drove just a little ways outside the park and set up our tent just off the side of the road in the desert. We weren't sure if you were allowed to do this or not, but we were tired. We slept pretty well until a park ranger found us and woke us up around 9 am. I guess we weren't all that shocked about his entrance on to the scene. We weren't in a proper campsite and Smurf's car looks all crappy, like something a hobo would drive. Also, brushes with the law are pretty common when you hang out with Smurf. He is a police magnet. Luckily, the ranger was reasonable, nothing like the Provo Popo, and so he just told us we couldn't camp there and let us go without any citations or anything.

We made it to Vegas and got a room at the Stratosphere. I had driven through Vegas before on family roadtrips and even stayed overnight at Motel 6 or other such places with my giant family on the way to Utah for summer vacation, but I'd never actually stayed at one of the big Hotel/Casinos. They are totally worth it! The room was pretty cheap and we were on the 23rd floor with an amazing view, so we all felt pretty cool staying there. Rascal and I are determined to stay in the Luxor someday. We're thinking maybe we need a yearly Vegas trip. From the hotel we left for In-N-Out Burger, an establishment that both Smurf and I worked for back in the day. Delicious. After that, we hit the town for a while until around 6:30 when we walked to Treasure Island to see Cirque du Soleil's Mystere. The show was absolutely incredible. The performance was beautiful to look at, the music was captivating, and the acrobatic feats were astounding. I want to take some gymnastics classes.












I love roadtrips. I like rolling down all the windows and driving fast with the wind all up in my hair. I love pumping music really loud and singing in the car. I can't emphasize how much I love this activity; seriously nothing else compares. I realized that I'm a huge fan of the band Live on this trip. I love Lightening Crashes, I Alone, and Heaven.

Las Vegas is much cooler than I ever gave it credit for. It's astonishing the things people can make and do to entertain themselves, especially in the middle of the desert where there's really nothing but what people put there. It's probably the best place to go for just about any kind of high quality entertainment you could want. That also means its a really shallow town that caters to just about every vice you could possibly have...but I love it. I could maybe live there for a while working as a waiter, but probably not much longer than a year or so. It's on my list of options for things to do when I come back from Alaska.

On an unrelated note:
I've been learning a few things about myself lately. I've thought about it on the last two roadtrips I've been on, First with John and his pals to Moab and then to Vegas with Rascal and Smurf. I seriously can't learn things verbally, at least in an auditory way. I am verbally retarded. It's not that I don't understand words or language or anything like that. Well, sometimes it is, but I can't understand certain ways that people communicate verbally. I'm not sure how to explain this, but I will give a few examples:

1. I can never pick up all the lyrics of a song from just listening to it. I understand the song and what its saying and I get the emotion it is trying to convey while the song is playing. I can also hum back the melody to you perfectly, but I couldn't ever recite the words to that song unless I have looked up the lyrics or had to write them down or something. Especially when the song is in Spanish
2. I've been working on learning a little German from cd's. I can do this alright, but I don't understand the exact words immediately. I do after a while, but when I'm first learning stuff, my mind just sort of thinks: "Make this noise to convey this thought."
3. I can tell you what a movie was about and the theme and the conflict and how it ends and all of that, but I can never remember an exact quote, or exactly what a character said. If I do, I've worked on it or just heard it about a million times.
4. It's the same with jokes. I remember that a joke was hilarious. I'll be laughing to myself all day about how funny something was, and I'll remember the facial expression of whoever said said it and how they were acting and the gestures they were making and the sound of their voice, but I can NEVER remember what they said! I could do a perfect impression of how that person acted and sounded, but I could never tell you what words they used. I suck at trying to retell jokes unless I've worked at it really hard or read it in a book a few times or something like that.
5. In folkdance, I was decent at picking up steps when the teacher was demonstrating the moves and counting or clapping their hands or humming to the music or something like that. As soon as the teacher would start telling us exactly what we were supposed to do though, i would get lost. When some lady would stand at the front and say "Do such and such on the 8 count and then turn around and do a half step and face your girl and blah blah blah." I would never get it. Even if the teacher was doing the moves as she said what they were, I would get lost because I would just be trying to focus on what she was saying and not on what I was actually supposed to do. I would just have to watch everyone else and practice what I saw until I got it right.
6. Often I will talk to a person and quit actually listening to the words they are saying. I will just listen to the tone of their voice or how they are reacting to me or the gestures they are making or the expressions on their faces. I just zone out into my own little world even when it seems I'm paying you full attention. I've probably done that to several of you who are reading this. Smurf catches me doing it ALL the time. Its good too because sometimes I really need to be paying attention to what someone is saying, word for word. If I really focus on what someone is saying, I will force my mind to make little pictures and associations with the words I am hearing and I can understand just fine, but it takes some focus on my part.
Sometimes I am really socially awkward.
I love Rascal, he is a super cool kid, but I rarely get what he is saying, even if I pretend to. He will be talking about something forever and I just smile with a blank stare at the end and maybe give a little chuckle. Sometimes he catched on to that, and sometimes he doesn't. My inability to understand is probably partly because half of what he says is movie quotes or song lyrics or famous lines or something, and I have no idea what they are from or the context or what he's trying to say or how it is funny. Smurf always gets it and has to translate for me.
I do great hanging out with people who don't talk much and only say what they need to say directly. In fact, some of my favorite people are just like that. They comment on things and are fun and can be very expressive, but just don't use their words unless they really need to.
6. I love it when professors use powerpoint presentations that essentially say word for word what they are saying. That way I actually see the words on the screen AND I can hear and see how the professor is conveying whatever idea we are talking about. Most people hate powerpoint and think it is redundant sometimes, but I love it. I also like charts and graphs with words that explain what is going on in them.
Okay, I can think of lots of these. The important thing is that I'm figuring this out about myself and can hopefullly figure out ways to correct or make up for my deficiency. Also this will help me in my choice of professors if I get back to school again.

The funny thing is that Smurf ONLY learns in the ways that I cannot. Well, not necessarily...we can both read things and pick them up, but for instance, he hates dancing and its really hard for him to learn to do it. He said he felt like he had down-syndrome when the EFY people would try to teach him to do their choreographed moves. He ended up learning only one dance as an EFY counselor, and it was because someone took the time to verbally tell him everything he had to do with his body when the music came on. Also he doesn't do well with charts, graphs and diagrams. I've also learned that he won't pick up on how you feel about something unless you tell him precisely. He doesn't like sarcasm because he can't tell when the person really means the words they are saying. Crazy that we get along enough to function.

This has to make you smile. :)

Laughing Babies

I actually saw this on Smurf's MySpace and I was giggling for hours. I'm reposting it here in honor of the due date of my big sister's third baby. I want me some babies.

Response.

Date:	03/29/07 04:48 pm
Subject:	Jan Scharman Follow Up

Vice President Scharman asked me to contact you and thank you for waiting patiently through the events of the past few weeks. As promised, she has spent some time on the advocacy statement and wanted to know if you are interested in getting together again to review these ideas, as well as go over the questions and answers you have been putting together. Please call me if you are, and we’ll work out a time for you all to meet.

Thanks.

Georgia Rasmussen

A-333 ASB

BYU

I got this email today from Georgia Rasmussen, Jan Scharman's secretary/personal assistant, the same person I had to talk to for setting up an appointment with Jan. I'm really glad they got back to us. I was actually just about to write VP Scharman to ask what all she had decided/found out. This email doesn't say anything about many of the other ideas we had that she said she would get back to us on, but I assume we'll just be able to ask her about those when we meet again. The administration is much more accessable than some might have you believe.

A dream.

One night in the middle of the night I awoke from a dream and tried to write down everything about it because I thought it was cool. There were a few nights/mornings when I tried doing this. I can't find my other dreams right now, but if I do maybe I will post those too. I might have even posted some of them a long time ago and just forgot. Anyways, I've been cleaning off stuff from my computer so I can get rid of it for the summer and I found this. This is exactly how it was written, in my half-asleep stupor:

"EFY. dorms. lots of kids in dorms. Beautiful place, lots of really cool hiking mountains in the ditance next to the stree church was on. Black soft dirt trails. Very colorful. Different things on the street. Friend has a room, writes stuff cinder block on the wall satirically about what he talks about. Can do magic or somehting."

Haha! Wha?!?!?

I really like reading this. I need to try to do these more. They're fun to look at later on. And now you have a glimpse into just how my mind works.

:)

Activism

I'm going to Moab in a few hours so I don't have a lot of time to write. If you want to know about what happened with Soulforce, see Drex's blog. It's fairly comprehensive.

I've spent that last couple of days (maybe even the last few weeks?) defending the Mormons from the gays and the gays from the Mormons. I hope its going somewhere. Ultimately I think it's the Mormon part that drives me because I have a belief that the church is for everyone, even the gays, whereas the gays might not be for everyone, especially the Mormons. I know that's vague, but I think you get it.

As far as Soulforce goes, I'm glad they came because they act as a good catalyst. I don't think they get much done, and they're a little embarrassing sometimes, but they get us gay kids talking and thinking, even if most of the rest of the student body is oblivious. I (and I think many of you all) still feel misrepresented by Soulforce and thus feel the need to represent myself. And we need to respresent ourselves because no one can do it better. To be fair, I think Soulforce did a much better job this year than last year as far as catering to their audience goes. They were well-versed in scripture and had tried to learn about LDS doctrine. I told two girls that I met from the ride that I thought they were better at building bridges this year and I would pass that on to Jan Scharman if we talk to her again. I think we will. I'm going to send her another email, perhaps when I get back from Moab. It's a shame that this organization has already thrown the credibility of its individual members with the administration out the window by putting on shows and pulling illegal stunts meant for nothing but a camera.

Perhaps I'll go back to school at BYU after all. Maybe not, but I feel like it can be a better place and that I'd just be giving up on it if I didn't. I wish BYU and the church could be more of an example, more of a light on a hill. I wish it were the perfect place for a gay LDS student to go... not just a pretty good place that you have to sort of be careful about if you're gay.

There are a lot of things I wish about gay things and not gay things, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I might just have to be the one to make it happen.

I have a lot to say and a lot of mixed feelings about everything thats been going on this week. We has some really interesting experiences. I'm not going to addresss all of those things here, but feel free to ask me if you're wondering.

Catch ya later.

The location of eternity

Sometimes I'm not sure which is better. There are those moments that feel like eternity, like when you get lost in somebody's eyes or touch... and then there are eternities that feel like far too many moments.

I watched Steel Magnolias with Brown Sugar a few weeks back. Shelby says "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Wow.

I went to the wedding receptiong of two of the most beautiful people I know this weekend. Smurf knows them better than me, but man, you should have seen them dance. And all the pictures they had up were amazing and they had Pudding on the Rice served by my cousin and her fiancee. Anyways, the reception was really beautiful. I want that. Not that exactly, you know, but my own that.

There's this boy. This same beautiful boy with light eyes and curly brown hair. It'll never work between us, neither of us would let it. And he's completely reckless with my feelings and too cool for me and all of that. But man, when he's got me, he's got me. And I walk into it way too easy and sometimes he doesn't even have to ask and there's a lot of wishing and thinking about this imaginary dimension where we can live together and play with each other and have kids because man, he's so perfect even if he's not.

My best friend from high school, Tootsie Roll called me up this weekend too. I miss that kid and the whole bay area world where you're not attached to anything and you don't have to care unless you want to. You can tell all the nay-sayers to f**k off, wherever they're coming from, and when you do care about something maybe its deeper and stronger than ever. Like no matter what I do or Tootsie Roll does, we will always be those pals from grade school until whenever even if we don't talk as much as we do with other friends. Doesn't matter if I read my scriptures or not. Sometimes I think maybe he's one of the only real friends I've ever had.

I'm done with this. I think I'll just be up early this morning.

Longboarding down the canyon...

officially one of my favorite things to do in Provo.

Also, today is officially spring in my mind. Its beautiful outside.

************ !

I just got cinnamon rolls from Shirley's Bakery in Provo. Shirley has God's recipe for cinnamon rolls. I love food way too much to achieve a six-pack. I'll keep trying though.

I watched God's Army 2 States of Grace last night and I loved it. Its really well done for a Richard Dutcher film, and true to life in so many ways. I loved how all the really wonderful things happened at the same time or close to the same time as all the really horrible things. I could identify with that. And I liked how God wasn't ever presented in any way really. Everyone believed in Him, but there was no reason to believe He was there except for faith. It was very...realistic I guess. I also liked how any faith and belief in God was portrayed in a good light, not just the Mormons. And finally, the cinematography and setup of shots was impressive and it had gangsters. Favorite LDS-made movie so far. Touching, really.

The date with Kate:
It was...okay. We went to Mimi's Cafe and then Barnes and Noble after. I had my game-face on through Mimi's cafe and was asking lots of questions and we were talking and doing really well. Half way through Barnes and Noble I sort of ran out of things to talk about and I thought it started to get really boring. We were still talking about books we liked and all kinds of things, but I was just...I dunno...unstimulated? I sort of headed towards the door, but she didn't, so we stayed there until it closed looking at a big book of modern architecture. We got back in the car and there wasn't a lot of talking then. Just my iPod playing. When I parked by her apartment, I expected her to get out, but she didnt. So we talked a little more. Then I walked her to her door. I thought it must have been the most boring date she had ever been on in her life, and I told my roommate that. I guess he must have told his girlfriend, who told Kate. Kate later texted me and said she had a great time and wasn't bored at all. Cool...?....
In retrospect I imagine that had I been on a date with some guy doing all of the same things I did with Kate, I would have been having a great time because there would have been this innate interest and curiosity that would have kept me going through the night...but there wasn't. It was just very unbalanced and strange for me.
One thing that bothered me on the date was that I was afraid to be irreverent. I didn't want to say anything about religion or politics or race or sex or anything like that because I was afraid of offending her. I need a girl who knows how to be irreverent. She has a sense of humor, but its very dry an satirical. I love that, but I also like people who can just be "lol" funny once in a while. I mean, not extremely so because thats just annoying, but just a little. Blah.
We could probably go out again. I haven't talked to her a lot since, so maybe she thinks I have written her off or something. I don't know what to do about this. I'll probably just leave the whole situation alone until I head to Alaska. She is going to George Washington University for graduate school next year anyways. I don't know how all of you married mohos pull it off, seriously. Even with cool girls.

I'm going to drive to Alaska. The drive will be ridiculously long, but my buddy from work and I are going to make a roadtrip of it stopping to see things in Oregon and Washington and Canada. I am excited.

I have three races coming up this month, and I'm not ready for a one of them. I think I will just coast through them and not worry about it too much. I ran like three miles and was dead tired the other day. DEAD tired. What happened to my marathon running superpowers that I had just this last October? Gone.

I need to sell this computer. I think maybe I'll go for a computer-free summer in Alaska. I'm sure I can stop in at an internet cafe or something like that once in a while when I need to. It will be good for me though. really good for me. I need to write Greg on his mission.

I really want to grow out my hair right now, but also it looks ridiculous unless I put a bunch of crap in it or sleep on it a few times...and then it looks kinda crazy and cool, but I dunno if its worth it... I want some long Sawyer from Lost kinda hair, or I dunno...just long. To cut or not to cut? I might end up going to a barber sooner than I anticipated.

Catch ya later

FYI

Okay, so the trippy lesbian/gay Oprah show that I talked about once on my blog is on today, and will rebroadcast at midnight or 12:30 AM in Utah, just in case any of you are interested. This episode drove me nuts for a while.

I'll post something real later.

Pinetree: Amazing with words.

Okay, so I called Kate. (It's only been two days since I was supposed to call her...) Here is how it went:

P: "Hey Kate....Kate? Hello? Is this Kate?"

*fuzz over the phone and nothing for a minute*

K: "Hi yeah, this is Kate."

P: "Hey Kate, this is Pinetree. My roommates were telling me you were over here waiting for me to get home forever on sunday night so I figured I'd give you a call."

K: "Oh yeah, I came by to see if you were home so I could thank you for the Valentine and then Ana (my roommate Ben's girlfriend) started talking to me about Dostoevsky and stuff so I ended up being there longer than I thought."

P: "Oh...well, thanks...for the thank you" (Am I the most articulate person in the universe or what? Hell...what stupid things I find myself saying sometimes...)

*awkward chuckles as Pinetree slaps himself on the forehead with the palm of his hand and says a silent "d'oh!" to himself*

K: "Yeah, no problem, seriously, thank you."

P: "You're welcome. So.........."

*then there was like this forever silent moment*

P: "So do you want to hang out or go out on a date sometime?"

K: "Yeah, sure."

P: "What are you doing Thursday night?"

K: "Nothing that I can think of"

P: "Okay, cool, well how about I call you Thursday night and we'll go do something."

K: "Ok sounds good to me."

P: "Okay, ttyl, Kate."

Yeah, I know. Just call me Rico Suave.

Anyways, I have a date thursday night. I'm gonna borrow Smurf's car...maybe an hour or two early so I can clean all the crap out of it or at least shove it in the trunk. Now I have to think of what we're going to do. Honestly, this is like my first official date in over year. Like Robb says though, if it all turns out crappy and awkward, at least I'm headed to Alaska in May. It's cool how my blog is turning into this twisted Degrassi episode the last couple posts.

Kate

She came by tonight while I was gone. She probably found out that I sent her the valentine. My roommates said she sat waiting around forever for me to get back. She left her number. I walked half way to her apartment tonight and then walked back.

ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!!!! What am I supposed to do!?

Don't get me wrong, I think this girl is awesome, but I mostly like adrmiring her from afar, especially at church when she leads the music. She's so pretty and calm and confident. Its so weird to have to talk to her. I don't know why I get nervous, its not like there's this turn on that there is with guys, I just don't want to look like an idiot around her. Also, I blow things way out of proportion and my mind tries to fast forward to actually dating her and I freak out.

What do I say to this girl? "Yeah, I'd love to go out with you. I'm gay, is that cool with you?" Blah. But she has to know. I can't lead her on. I just won't do it.

Do I even have the stamina to date a girl? I haven't even been able to focus on school long enough to get good grades lately. I'm ready for a new job after a little less than a year. I'm moving to Alaska in the summer and who knows what or where I'll be after that. I'm so inconsistent and ridiculous and crazy. This girl doesn't know anything about this boy that she maybe likes and I'm an idiot for leading her on even this little tiny bit. Also I have a rebellious streak that I try really hard to channel into good rebellious things, but I dunno if she could be cool with that. She's solid. I'm all over the place.

I have the stupidest questions running through my head about her and I haven't even gone out with her once. There's just all these little notes and the tension. Would she try to go running or watch Tyler Perry movies or hop on a plane with me tomorrow if I wanted to? Does she like ice cream and could she play along when I'm being silly? Does she want to do big things with her life? Would she mind making all the first moves physically? because honestly I don't know how to do that with a girl.

Yeah, I want to be married someday. I want to have a female counterpart, a partner in crime with two X chromosomes who can get dressed up and be pretty but who also loves me as much as I want to love her and who is independent and charming and smart and witty and wonderful. I want to have little kids I can play with and a family to go camping and watch movies and feed the ducks with. I want to have to figure out what to do when my 2 year old colors on the walls and I want to have to make a family budget and a home. I want to have a cool, spirited, compassionate, amazing righteous family that still sticks out like a sore thumb. Can't I just skip to that part?

This crap drives me insane. I can't picture myself in 10 years. I hope something comes together somehow. How will it though if I don't have the balls to even go talk to this girl because I'm already worried about our future together? What the hell am I thinking??? Hell. I'm stuck.

Update 2

Yesterday was really great. We got a meeting with Jan Scharman, Vice President at BYU over Student Life. She couldn't have been cooler. She was really glad that we were there and willing to try to make a difference. She said she read our email over and over when she got it, and that she and the BYU administration were very concerned about the welfare of gay students at BYU but were just unsure of what exactly they should do. I've said to a couple of people already, she was very reasonable, sincere, honest and compassionate. She's also just an interesting person and is really easy to talk to. I feel a lot better about BYU as an institution knowing that someone like her is in the administration. She's going to talk to a few other people in the administration like the Academic VP and BYU's spokeswoman about the possibility of doing a fireside at BYU as well as a few other things (articles in the newspaper, meetings with faculty, discussion groups, etc) and then call us back to set up another meeting. Wow. I'm surprised we got this far.

Thanks to all of you mohos who came to VP Scharman's office yesterday. You all made awesome comments. I would really feel very inadequate and ridiculous doing this by myself just because I'm such a screwed up kid when it comes to this SGA business and BYU as a spiritual and academic institution has no reason to take me seriously as some crappy student suspended for grades who hasn't even served a mission. You guys make all the difference in the world and I'm glad you all think this is a good thing too because if you didn't, I'm not sure I'd be able to put any effort into it. I feel like we're doing something good, and I hope we really are. Even if nothing comes of this, I'm glad we at least tried to make something better. Also, thanks to all of you who have offered support, whether I have gotten back to your emails or not. We need all of it we can get, especially if something actually does end up happening. I read all of your emails and really appreciate them.

And now for a couple things unrelated to SGA stuff:
Carrot had another ghetto food-filled dance party last night and holy crap...Carrot throws my favorite parties with the funnest kids. She and her roommies are so awesome. Yesterday before our meeting she also sent us an inspirational Richard Simmons text message that I got to show to everyone. AND I have all these hilarious Carrot quotes running through my head right now AND she has promised to send me an engagement photo she made of herself and Ludacris so I can put it on our fridge next to all the other ones. Ha!

I'm going to an 80's prom theme dance tonight for our stake. I went to the Catholic Thrift Store after work today and got a light blue suit for 8 bucks. I'm actually not super thrilled about this, just because its going to be so awkward. In fact, maybe I won't go...but I should because I'm on the activities commitee. I wish Carrot could be in charge of our stake dances...

Vegas in a few weeks with at least El Veneno and maybe Sarah an other friends. Super excited. I need to sign up for the race.

Also, due to the unexpected size of my tax return, I'm sorely tempted to just quit Los Hermanos with Smurf and Rascal and just travel the country until I head to Alaska...But I should probably do something responsible with the money like save it or pay off a student loan early. Boo. Work is killing me lately. Maybe I'll be able to hang on at this place a few more months...

That's all for now. I'm taking a nap. Catch ya later.

P.S. Some good songs of late:
Runaway Love - Ludacris (Such a sad song, but also has a good beat AND it speaks to me. We've all felt like running away sometimes, yeah?)
Show Me What You Got - Jay-Z (fun dance song from Carrot's party)
Out of the Woods - Nickel Creek
For You - Barenaked Ladies
For You - Duncan Sheik
Lento and Limon y Sal by Julieta Venegas
Sirena - Sin Bandera
LDN and Smile by Lily Allen (Her lyrics are really biting and sarcastic and horrible even though her songs are super upbeat. It's kinda crazy, but I like it when I'm in the right mood)
Ruby Tuesday - Franco Battiato (I like this version of the classic Beatles song)

Update.

A few things to write about for the sake of writing:

1.We finalized a proposal letter and I sent it to President Samuelson. Stay tuned. I don't know what will come of all this. Maybe something good, maybe something bad, maybe nothing at all.

2. I went to P.F. Chang's for lunch with my family yesterday because my brother was in town. Candied walnut shrimp served with melon balls is what its all about. I love food. Also my niece was cracking jokes with me that she had heard on Lambchops, except they were seriously hilarious and had me busting out laughing! It was sort of like I was kickin' it with someone really hilarious my age, except she's six. Her once weird baby sense of humor is really developing; she's such an awesome kid. My whole family is great. I really needed that little boost from them yesterday. I was starting to get discouraged about things and now I'm a bit better.

3. I've been doing laundry today and I washed my iPod, which was in the pocket of a fleece pullover thing I have. For a minute or two, there was this constant stream of profanity emanating from the apartment laundry room. Good thing the only kid there was a convert of only a year or two(?). I apologized when I realized he was there and he was cool with it and even gave me a hug to console me. The positive side of this (always remember to find the positive side of things, Pinetree...) is that now I'm going to get myself a new iPod and iPod shopping is pretty fun.

4. I decided on a job offer in Alaska. I'm going to go with grayline and work on the train. Should be a good adventure.

4. I got a valentine for this girl, Kate, and was debating whether or not to send it to her and what to put on it if I did (don't want to sound to serious, or too weird, or like I'm trying to be funny, or a million other things). So I was about to not send it, but then I remembered Bonnie Parkins' recent fireside where she said to never supress a generous thought. (By the way, Bonnie Parkins' had made my select list of female leaders in the church who I don't think are full of fluff. Remember the "I love exclamation points" lady? Ay carumba....) I really liked and wholeheartedly agree with that piece of advice/commandment, so I sent the Valentine with my hometeacher over to Kate's apartment. The rub is I was still a chicken about it and I sent it anonymously. *sigh* Who does that after 3rd grade? Honestly, probably only some wussy fag like me. I talked to Kate after Munch and Mingle as well. Actually, I was nervous and so the conversation was pretty stupid or we just let other people who were around talk. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this heterosexual thing and I'll just have to stick with my feeble attempts at celibacy.


5. Good Memories:
6. Catch ya all later.

First Y Hike of the Year. And a taste of southern Utah. And a proposal.

Y Night Hike.
The Y is the perfect distance from Provo. If it was closer, you might still feel like you were in Provo. If it was farther, I probably wouldn't be able to walk to it.

The Y itself.
Stepping outside of Provo.

Below are some pictures from a trip to Southern Utah with my old seminary teacher. We stayed in Moab so that we had easy access to Canyonlands and Arches National Parks. (A side note about Moab: It's pretty much my favorite town in Utah. It's full of outdoorsy, granola type people and surrounded by natural wonders. Brown Sugar tells me that Alaska is like a giant Moab, full of granola folk. I think I will love it there. Moab is also home to the Red Rock Bakery which is a great place to get a sandwich.)

At any rate, here are the other pictures:
Canyonlands Overlook

Arches National Park - Double Arch
Arches National Park - Turret Arch
Arches National Park - Delicate Arch
Arches - Somewhere on the road.
Canyonlands National Park - Aztec Butte
Canyonlands
Canyonlands

We visited Arches, Canyonlands and Dead Horse State Park. OST had much better cameras to use than I did (I'm the proud owner of a little 6 megapixel digital Olympus that I bought in September) and it was fun to play with them. They can take some seriously amazing pictures - stuff you wouldn't mind hanging up in your home. I relearned all about F-Stop values and aperture and various settings on the camera. I took a photography class in high school, but I definitely needed some refreshing. The pictures above are just the ones I took with my own camera. I actually think they turned out really well if I do say so myself, but they lack two very memorable and interesting shots that I took with the other camera; White Rim Overlook in Canyonlands and False Kive in Canyonlands. White Rim was this hauntingly beautiful giant rocky void with what looked like marble bathroom tiles at the bottom. I sat there amazed that there could be so much empty space framed by all this intricate white/black/gray rock. I supposed you would have to see it in person to understand...

False Kive was perhaps the coolest part of the entire trip (thought the entire thing was really cool). False Kiva is an ancient ruin you can only get to by a special trail not mapped on any national park maps...Yeah, I'm pretty amazing for even knowing about it. In fact, the park rangers won't tell you how to get there unless you ask about it specifically by name. It's like a secret menu option in the National Park System. If you are lucky enough to find it, even with directions, (it took us a few tries...the place gives no hints of itself until the very last second when you find it) there is a log you can sign and comment in and an amazing view.

Okay, I got a picture of False Kiva from OST, and here it is:
Awesome, huh?


Lastly, dear readers, I'll take a moment to propose something I think I already mentioned on El Veneno's blog. I'm thinking of putting a sort of forum together at BYU on the whole SSA issue in anticipation of Soulforce's arrival at the end of March. I have mixed feelings about Soulforce, but ultimately I feel misrepresented by them, and I think that more representative voices of the LDS/SSA community ought to make themselves heard so that LDS people, especially BYU students, have a better understanding of what SSA is and how different people deal with it. An important insight would be how people deal with it within the context of the gospel without breaking the commandments or disobeying the prophet, and living your whole life that way is possible.

I have a good feeling about doing something like this, but I feel very inadequate about actually putting it together. I'm really a horrible example of leading the sort of life that I think one should. However, I think I can be brutally honest about that up front and I'm going to put an effort into this project. I would love to have help if any of you are interested. The plan right now is to hammer out some sort of proposal to present to whoever we need to at BYU (BYUSA? President Samuelson?). El Veneno and Smurf and I are going to try to work something out at first, and then we hope to present that to a broader group of you all for feedback, and then finally make a presentation for the administration. If all goes well, we could put on a forum at BYU with a an educational presentation, a storytelling time where a panel talks about their experiences, and a question and answer session.

I'd feel much better about Soulforce's planned stop at BYU if BYU students and the community had an opportunity to actually hear from a broader group of LDS/SSA guys. I'd love for this to work. If it doesn't, that's okay too and at least we tried. Smurf wants to call BYU to repentance if it doesn't. We'll see about that.

Leave thoughts or comments on this blog or email me at gbauman@byu.edu. Let me know if you would like to participate in something, whether up front or behind the scenes.

Catch ya later.

So there's this girl that I like...

Mika Grace Kelly

I like it.

Stoked!

I got hired by Grayline of Alaska!!!!

I got a phone call last week and had an interview this morning with this sweet lady named Lorell. She is going to be my boss this summer. She's really sweet, the kind of person who is just everyone's mom, but also a no-bullcrap kind of person and I like her.

Here are all the details of the job as far as I know:

I'm going to be doing dishes and helping the cooks on the train for the first couple months. Yeah, that might not sound like a glamorous position, but I think I'm actually going to love it and it will be a welcome change from serving for a while. I've been thinking lately that I need a job where I can just work and not have to talk to people or be "on" all the time. Also I've been seriously thinking about culinary school lately, and I'll be working with a bunch of kids from all over the country who are culinary students back in the kitchen, so it'll be good experience to have for making that decision. As soon as I turn 21 (July 20) I will become a waiter on the train. By that time I'll probly feel like being social again.

The train, the McKinley Explorer, travels between Anchorage and Fairbanks, Alaska. It's about a 400 mile trip. Between these two cities is Mt. McKinley and Denali National Park. Shifts come every two days. It's two days on and two days off. So on the days I'm off I'm free to explore whatever, go hiking or mountain biking or rafting or just chill in the city.

On the days I work, I'll be working 12 to 14 hours with overtime pay every day. Also as a waiter I don't just make 2.15 an hour plus tips like here in Utah, I get 7.15 to start out with as well as overtime (over ten bucks an hour plus tips!) Also I get free food. Really really good free food.

On my days off I'll be living in an apartment in Anchorage, which I am yet to pick out. Most people just rent a single bedroom apartment with like 4 to 6 other guys and end up paying 75 to 200 bucks in rent every month depending on what you get and how many people. No one really lives in their apartments though, they just sleep there. I don't think I'll be at home much anyways.

The people I will be working with are recruited from all over the country. She said they have a few people from Utah every year and they like us because we don't drink or do too much bad stuff. Then she warned me and said some of the people they hire can be pretty crazy on their offtime. Perfect :)

I'm leaving sometime in May and coming back sometime in September. This is good because I'll be around for when my newest niece is born in April.

Holy crap, this is going to be so awesome! It's going to be a ton of hard work, but I can handle that. It's also going to be way fun and I'm going to get to see some incredible things. I think I'm going to be excited about it this whole week. I can't wait. I wish I could take off right now.

I think I'm going to get myself a laptop before I leave...I need to start checking out apartments in Anchorage.

Pinetree is stoked.

Other stuff that has been happening:

•I got to work late this morning on account of the interview, so Brown Sugar had to do all my opening work. Oops. She was pissed at me and even held out all her treats on me, which is a really miserable thing if you have ever tasted Brown Sugar's cooking. It's insanely good.

•This Thursday I'm headed to southern Utah with my old seminary teacher (I need to think of a blogger name for him...I think he'll come up more) to visit all the national parks in the area. I want to get all the use I can out of my national parks pass before it expires. My old seminary teacher is a photography/film guru and he is going to show me how to take cool pictures. Also he is a cool guy and a genius and knows how to travel and what to see. I'm super excited for our trip.

•Wiggle has left us for New Mexico. We went out to Thai food to mourn her passing. Thai food is delicious! Wiggle will be missed, but I think this will be a good opportunity for her to start fresh with everything and have a good time.

•Last night I had my whole ward over to my tiny apartment living room for munch and mingle, which is now sort of my calling within the activities committee. We had cereal, and it turned out pretty well, although I have to admitt I sort of hid in my room for a lot of it. This gave me the opportunity to talk online with Linds who is a super cool lesbian chick who happens to also like The Perks of Being a Wallflower, children, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, rain and singing in the car. She's also NOT a bulldyke. I was ready to ask her to marry me, but I don't think she was having it, so no go on that. Bummer. Finding a lesbian to marry for strictly functional, platonic relationship purposes is harder than one might imagine...


Ok, I have to go back to work now because otherwise I think Brown Sugar is going to cut me. Peace out everybody, I hope you all are also having great days out there.

P.S.
Favorite Hip Hop/R&B of the moment:
Wyclef - Knockin' on Heaven's Door, Yelé (Robb, you're going to have to tell me what they are saying in this one if you can understand Haitian)
Tupac - Thugz Mansion, Runnin' (Dyin to Live)

New Years Resolutions 2007

1. Read scriptures every day, even if I do something ridiculous and horrible and don't feel quite like I'm actually living my religion. So far this is going pretty well.
2. Get ripped with a six-pack... before my older brother. I'm hitting the gym 3 times a week and maybe I'll keep running on the days between if it doesn't inhibit growing muscles. So far this is also going pretty well.
3. Find a profession or some sort of calling for my life. I want it to follow the following criteria:
•Provide for a family or potential family. A large one with tons of kids.
•Allow me to help the downtrodden and be a direct influence for good.
•Allow me to travel at least 2 or 3 times a year, whether for business or pleasure or otherwise. Preferably with a family.
•Be ethical, productive, and in line with the gospel. None of this selling alarm systems crap or shady real estate deals or Tahitian Noni juice or Mormon pyramid schemes or tricking the poor into buying things they don't need. I'll have none of that and can't stand it anyways.
•Allow me the opportunity to grow and progress
•No more than 40 hours a week if I have a family. Otherwise more hours will be fine.
•More to come on this as I think about it.
I've been thinking about culinary school and maybe a major in business lately.
4. Date some girls. Maybe even hold hands or something drastic like that...Any takers?
5. When I turn 21, send in auditions for The Amazing Race, Road Rules, Oprah's new reality TV show, or other cool reality television. By that time I should have a six-pack AND I can work the whole token gay/mormon/redhead thing which you'd think could land me a spot on anything.
6. Read the following books, finally:
The Chronicles of Narnia (I'm part way through the Magician's Nephew right now)
Les Miserables
The Count of Monte Cristo (Smurf got this for me for Christmas the first year I knew him, and I still need to read it!)
The Other Eminent Men of Wilford Woodruff
7. Try to go on a mission again even though it seems like this is getting ridiculous? I would still love to go, but if I don't it's okay. The resolution is to just try again.

Other less important things I would like to do this year but won't kill myself over if I don't achieve:
•Learn to play guitar, piano, or violin. Also learn to read music and sing.
•Travel to a continent I've never been to before. And maybe even travel around the ones I've already been in.
•Learn French and German and either Mandarin or Japanese.
•Run another marathon or a few.

I'll stop there. If I can get all of these things done, I will be a happy pinetree.

Gingerheads. And Hook.

All About Red Hair. Who knew?

I love the movie Hook. I forgot how much I love that movie until it was on TV the other night and I sat down and watched it all. Its really pretty deep and has tons of gospel and my life analogy in it. I love how Peter Pan only leaves Neverland so that he can be a dad and have kids so that they can have adventures too. This was actually the first movie I ever cried at. It was pretty embarrassing, really. It was like my 8th birthday party and all my friends and I were in the movie theater and I was eating a Snickers bar and then Tinkerbell came on the screen and took Peter Pan in his cradle off away to Neverland. And I started bawling because I knew he had to be Peter Pan and was too cool for the normal world but at the same time his parents would miss him and well...I'm not going to explain myself. It was a very complex emotion at the time. And I really never cry at movies, so go figure.

Christmas and New Years, 2006/2007

On Christmas Eve we all drove over to my sister's place in Orem to hang out at night. We ate food and played games and stuff until late. My Uncle Paul's family came over with their cute little half-Venezuelan half white kids and they sung us Christmas carols. After we took turns reading various verses of the Christmas story (which my nieces played out with their little toy nativity scene) and had family prayer, most of the family got into bed. I got all dressed for church and ran off with Smurf and Rascal, to Carrot's house so that we could all go to midnight mass in Salt Lake. When we got to Carrot's place, she was on the phone with some old mission comp and still needed to do herself up, so Rascal and Smurf and I headed up to the Cathedral of the Madeline where Carrot was supposed to meet us later. We parked in some LDS chapel's parking lot and walked towards the cathedral. The cathedral bells were echoing throughout downtown Salt Lake and it felt really magical. Unfortunately, when we got to the cathedral, they shut the doors on us and on a whole bunch of real Catholics (including all these dressed up little Mexican families with their babies, it was really sad) who were a couple minutes too late! We decided God wished us to be Mormons.

Carrot came to pick us up and suggested we do the next best thing when the Catholic church shuts you out....become Anglican! So we went to St. Mark's, a charming (yet much smaller) Episcopelian church. Carrot said it is her favorite in Salt Lake. We made the end of the service, which was really beautiful. Smurf almost choked to death on the powder incense stuff that the priest was waving around, and that was pretty hilarious. Carrot pointed out the Tiffany windows inside the church and we looked around for a bit. I really loved the whole thing. I've decided that if I ever have kids, we are going to hit both LDS church wherever it lands on the week of Christmas as well as midnight mass on Christmas Eve. It's good to just take in and respect other people's culture and traditions. Also it's good to remember how much reverence other people have for God too, and that we don't corner the market on that.

I got home sometime around 3 AM and went to sleep for a couple of hour. Christmas was awesome this year. I have no idea why I got placed in the amazing, perfectly quirky and simply wonderful family that I got, but I did.

We all got up and checked out the loot Santa had brought us, showing it off from youngest to oldest:

Kylie (my youngest niece until April) with one of the first of about a million Ariel Mermaid/Disney Princess things she would end up getting. Their basement is like 2 feet deep in mermaid and princess stuff right now.

Krista with a book she got. She is amazingly smart and very sophisticated for her age
My sister Lyndee and some kind of girl bag thing.
Little (but actually pretty huge) brother Alex, with a tie pin. He sort of gets jipped this year for presents because he'll be going on his mission in the summer, so no one got him anything cool...just new white shirts and ties and church books.

Me with a pan. I guess I needed a pan. It's cool though because I got tons of really really cool stuff from my family as well. Like this incredible hiking backpack that my dad got me. I know its good if its from my dad because he makes an extensive research product out of anything he decides to buy to make sure he gets the very best one. Also my big brother got me a sweet hammock. My big brother never gets stuff I say I want, but always manages to pick out the coolest presents. This is the same brother that got me a longboard for my birthday. He has some really awesome taste. I'll definitely be using that hammock this summer.
My older brother, John. He got some movie passes in his stocking. A sidenote about John: I ended up telling him about my SSA issues a couple weeks ago on the way home from a family Christmas party at my cousin Marie's house. He was a lot cooler about it all than I had expected. We parked near my apartment complex and had a good long talk in his car. I always thought John would be the last sibling I would tell about all my issues, but it turns out he was the first. He's a good big brother. He told me about some of the issues he is dealing with that I didn't know about before. It's amazing how human everyone really is, and how we all deal with all this really heavy stuff but can still get together and have Christmas and open presents and be happy.

This is my big sister Lois pulling something out of her stocking. Lois is the sister I posted about once before. Sometimes I think I'm too black of a sheep for my family. If that's true, Lois is too perfectly white for the rest of us. She's amazing, and I love her.

My oldest sister, Amy. She is a mom and gets mom stuff a lot now...like napkin holders.My brother in law, Jared. He gets dad stuff, like cords and wire in his stocking.

We got the rocking chair in the right side of this picture as a surprise for my mom for Christmas. She had been eyeing it for a long time, and every good Grandma needs a rocking chair. She loved it. Couldn't believe her eyes, in fact.
My dad and Kylie. :) We always say my dad is a turkey. I don't really know why, it means he's pesky or something, but he got this smore Christmas ornament (they are all the rage right now I guess) with a marshmallow that has a turkey tail on it. My big sister got a pregnant marshmallow ornament and my mom got a Grandma marshmallow with a big blue grandma hat. They had everyone sort of giggling. Yeah, sort of silly, but it was Christmas...and it was great.
Kylie helped a lot of people open their presents and stockings. She was a pro. Here she is helping my grandma. I look up to my grandma a lot. She has a lot of class and grace and quiet wisdom that she has very diligently earned. I got to know her a little better over the break. She kept asking me about how I was doing. I talked to her about getting horrible grades at BYU and how I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. She was very supportive about me going to Alaska and maybe just travelling around for a while. She said I was young and assured me everything would be okay and that I should figure things out while I'm not yet responsible for other people really. Also she was very concerned and interested in what I had to say and seems willing to be supportive of whatever I do. It's wonderful to have people like this in your life.

Fast Forward to New Years Eve:

Brown Sugar and Robb (a coworker at Los) and I went up to Salt Lake to party and ate at this really chic, cozy little "authentic" Japanese restaurant. They had little tables and tatami mats and real Japanese waitresses and everything. Awesome. I love finding little places like this. Note to self: I have got to wander around Salt Lake more. ATP and El Veneno! I think El Veneno looks like a different ethnicity in every photo I see of him....
ATP taking pictures of stuff with his fancy camera.
Robb uses his napkin to go stealth ninja.
Brown Sugar is like, "you all are crazy..."
We go outside in freezing Salt Lake for the last 15 minutes or so of 2006. I'm getting pretty pumped at this point...
Fireworks...cool! And then midnight comes and...

Pinetree plants a giant smooch on Brown Sugar as well as this random girl who was looking for someone to kiss at midnight!!! She had asked us earlier if one of us would be her midnight kiss, but little did she realize who she was talking to...AtP and El Veneno just sort of looked around nervously and Robb was probably wondering why none of us were going for it. I surprised her big time at midnight with a giant kiss. We put on a good show for her friends who were going nuts. I tried to get pictures kissing both of them, but neither turned out. This is the best one we got, from ATP who was still shooting photos with his camera. I'm glad he caught this milestone achievement on his camera.

New Years 2006/2007

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This is me explaining what had just happened... Sorry I can't get the sound to work...

After the big scene in downtown, we headed to El Veneno's place where we watched some comedian guy on his computer, and then Brown Sugar, Robb and I headed back to Provo. It was a fun night.

It's the middle of the night right now on January 3rd. I meant to write some deeper stuff in addition to all my goofy pictures, but I'm too tired, so I'll have to postpone that for another day. Goodnight.

Christmas Eve Morning

It's been a long night and so far I haven't slept.

First I was the lead server all night, so I was at Los Hermanos until around 1 am
Next, Smurf and Evan and I had to go rescue Carrot from a bunch of lesbians in Ogden. So that was like at least 3 hours longer.
After we got Carrot back from the lesbians, we took her home and then went to the store to get stuff to make breakfast for Christmas Eve for a bunch of people at my place.
When we all got back to my place, I started cleaning up junk in my apartment and Evan and Smurf fell asleep on my couches reading some books they found on my shelf. (Fight Club and the Calvin and Hobbes Anthology respectively)
Now It's 7:15 am and I have about an hour and 45 minutes until people show up here for breakfast. I am extra tired, but in a good way. Christmas Eve is going to be a long day. I'm looking forward to it. Time to start making some pancakes.

Wyclef - Perfect Gentleman

Carrot threw a slammin Christmas party last night, complete with tons of great food, (including a big bowl of cookie dough to just eat out of. Awesome.) ghetto music and dancing, tons of cool people (Carrot knows the coolest RM Sisters), and a Mexican theme. This is my favorite dance song for the week.

In stark contrast to Wyclef's song, I have to go to church now and talk about the song "O Holy Night" as part of the sacrament meeting Christmas program. O Holy Night is a cool song for life.

P.S. It snowed last night and now it is beautfiul outside. Its so bright that when I first looked out there it hurt my eyes.

Alright, I'm extending this post...

Today was so awesome! I woke up and got a little message written about O Holy Night to say at our ward Christmas program, and it went pretty well. This really cool, really pretty girl named Kate who is the chorister in our ward was in charge of the program and the music was really nice and church was good even though I sort of skipped out on Priesthood and Sunday School. But after reading ATP's latest post, I'm sort of glad I did.

I walked to and from church on campus today. Actually I walked everywhere today. It's so beautiful outside right now. This is the first winter that I have spent in Utah where it looks like the Christmas' you see in movies. Everything is brilliant white and the rooftops are all caked with snow and there is a soft glow from the yellow street lights on the snow on the ground and night comes early but its beautiful because the reflection on the white makes it still seem light out.

After church I went hometeaching to our two guy hometeachees and we had a really good lesson and talked for a while.

My roommate Ben and I are hometeaching companions. I seriously love this kid, he is one of the coolest roommates I have ever had. Ben used to be a really fat kid. I've seen his mission pictures. But then by the time he was done with his mission, he lost a ton of weight. So he's a normal looking guy now, but with the ultra cool, super nice to everyone personality of a fat kid. Fat kids are some of the nicest kids you'll ever meet. When we got home we ate some peanut butter on snickerdoodles that Ben's mom had made. Delicious. :)

After that I walked over to Wiggle's (in my new really cool jacket...and again, beautiful outside...) where she and Brown Sugar had made spaghetti bake for dinner with garlic bread and cupcakes for dessert. Most of our dinner group was there and we watched 24 and I fell asleep on Wiggle's couch. I awoke to a giant bright light slowly lowering through Wiggle's stained glass window...I was just waking up and still in that sort of daze, so I was thinking the second coming or aliens or something, but we went outside and it turns out they were shooting a movie right across the street at the old Provo Theater and happened to be using a giant stage light to get the right effect. And they did; the scene looked gorgeous. The snow was falling really lightly on this old historic building with these big giant clouds in the sky and really soft light melting like butter all over the snow. Wow.

I walked back past the movie set on the way to my house until I got to this girl Stephanie's apartment. Stephanie and I are on the activities committee and we were in charge of munch and mingle for after ward prayer this week. We had gone to the store earlier in the week to get tons of Bear Creek soup and goldfish crackers and apple juice and now we had to cook the soup. So, cooking soup at Stephanie's for a while was cool and our munch and mingle was a big hit. Her little apartment was packed with our ward, all writing happy notes.

There was this awkward part of the mingling where someone said something about not hanging out with gay people because they are recruiting. I chimed in and said that actually I thought that was really incorrect and that I have a lot of gay friends and many of them would love to live the gospel and keep the commandments. And a super quiet awkward moment ensued. Not awkward for me so much though, I kinda revel in these moments.

So after munch and mingle I stayed at Stephanie's and talked to a few people who were kicking it there, and then I helped Stephanie clean up the mess. When I got back to my apartment, I found that I had two happy notes: one from Stephanie, thanking me for all the help, and the other from Kate! Her's thanked me for being in her Christmas program....

AND said I was a "handsome devil"!!!

I was pretty stoked about that.

Now I'm chilling at home, listening to more Wyclef, who I am really getting into. Also, Carrot sent me a really nice text thanking me for being at her party and saying we need to hang out more. I love Carrot.

Life is taking a wonderful turn for the better lately.

Alaska?

From: Princess Tours
Subject: 2007 Princess Tours Application
Wed, 6 Dec 2006 19:36 -0700

Thank you for your application, and your interest in working in Alaska with Princess Tours for the 2007 season. Your application has been received by the administrative staff for review, by the proper department. Preference is given to those applicants able to work the dates that cover the entire season with relevant experience for the positions desired also a strong consideration... We will begin contacting individuals after 15 January 2007 for those who match the qualifications necessary for each position. Thank you for your interest and good luck in your job search for 2007 season .

Denali Princess Administrative Staff.


From: Gray Line of Alaska
Subject: Application for McKinley Explorer
Thu, 7 Dec 2006 16:32 -0700

Dear Pinetree,

Thank you so much for your application and it is currently under
review.  We will have a recruiting team in Utah after the first of the year.
We will contact you by telephone prior to our visit to set up an
interview.

Sincerely,
Kim Stanford
Operations Manager-McKinley Explorer

Prayer

When I pray, t’s always hard to say whether I’m actually getting an answer or just making up a response in my head or fabricating some feeling in my gut. Sometimes it probably doesn’t matter because what I assume Heavenly Father would tell me is probably what He would tell me. Does this make sense? Maybe you’ve felt like this before too.

Last week (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) I was praying about a lot of things. I would pray and then try to listen, until I decided I had an answer. But I wasn’t really sure if the answer was coming from me or from Heavenly Father. So I played a little game where I would ask something and then try to come up with a supposed answer from God in my mind. Much to my disappointment and frustration, it worked. I could make myself feel good about whatever response I decided to give myself to the questions I was asking...apparently to myself.

What a horrible feeling, to feel alone...like there really isn’t anyone there, listening, guiding the universe...No one that I can rely on for help...or even worse that we as humans just make stuff up out of necessity...so that we can get over problems and pretend there is more to life when we do dumb things or our babies die or we need to begin again or need a reason to live. Maybe there isn’t a God, and we just invented Jesus and redemption so that we would have a reason to move forward. Maybe while God and Jesus are still good things, they aren’t real.

It’s not incomprehensible to me...it would just suck if it were true.

I need a real Heavenly Father who gives me real answers to my real questions. What good is God a who only lives in my mind and can’t do anything? Such Gods in everyone’s minds would make truth relative, and my religion a silly game.

So while I was praying that night, I told Heavenly Father I needed something real, a real answer I knew was from Him and not made up. It didn’t have to be a sign or anything in particular, I just needed to know my prayers were being heard and answered.

And I did get my prayer answered, in a real way.

I was going to write about exactly what happened here, but I don’t feel like it, and the only reason I wanted to post anything about this was so that I will remember later in my life a time when my prayer was answered, and not with an answer that was just in my head.

I didn't even realize this happened.

Way to go, Harry Reid.

http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Aug-19-Sat-2006/news/9139033.html

Rilo Kiley - A Better Son/Daughter

Good Song. I just found it. I really like the lyrics a lot. (caution: profanity)

If you're not into that, try Moby et Mylene Farmer - Slipping Away/Crier la vie.

And if that doesn't do it for you, you have to like Irreplaceable, the new song by Beyonce. It is hip, hands down.

Maybes.

I’ve imagined a lot of things lately. I wonder about my testimony.

I wonder about the war in Heaven. I wonder about all those people who went to follow Satan. I bet a lot of my friends went with him. I bet a lot of people that I respected and admired and looked up to went with him. I bet there were people more intelligent than anyone I’ve ever met on earth so far.

I think it really tore me apart.

I imagine I got frustrated with all the spirits on Heavenly Father’s side when they would say things about the spirits who followed Satan. “Oh , they’re all just so completely nuts,” someone might say, or “Why would they not want to follow our plan? They’re so clueless.” I bet I stood up for them a lot to all the spirits who refused to see them as anything but foolish. I bet I thought about taking their side.

Maybe that third of the host of Heaven had a good point, even though we trivialize and berate it so often. Maybe those fallen ones understood how much agency would suck sometimes.

Maybe they realized how horrible it would be when one person, stripped of his or her memory, decided to impose his or her agency in a cruel way towards another person. Maybe they saw rape and murder and child molestation and starvation. Maybe they saw broken hearts. Maybe they saw cancer and arthritis and all the diseases. Maybe they saw despair and suicide. Maybe they saw all of those horrible things and thought it wasn’t fair to judge victims for eternity based on such lives; lives tainted through no fault of their own, but instead marred and defiled by circumstances or other people.

And what about when people screw up other people’s lives without meaning to? What about when our own curiosity or forgetfulness or clumsiness ruins everything for another person, or for a hundred persons, or for a thousand persons? I can think of lots of people who I have hurt without meaning for it to happen.

It just doesn’t seem fair. There’s something not right about it.

Sometimes I think I would prefer to be forced to choose the right thing always. I’m so stupid. And even when I know the right thing to do, I often don’t follow through with it. it would be nice to go through life doing everything right, even if it never proved anything.

So why am I here?

I guess I opted for this side only because of the atonement. And I had to be sure that the atonement would cover everyone for everything, no matter what. I had to be sure everyone would get a chance to hear about the atonement and everyone would be able to use it as many times as they needed to. Even if that meant a lot.

I think even then, the idea agitated me.

Bad things can be so pervasive and relentless and self-perpetuating. But what else could we do? I don’t know.

I feel crappy. I feel like I’ve either abandoned or been abandoned by every good thing that I ever had going here in Utah or anywhere in my life. I feel very alone here. I feel like whenever I’m around people I know, its an act. I feel like I need a fresh start, somewhere else. It doesn’t feel like I can fix any of the messes I’ve made and I don’t really want any pity, though I think I’m understanding a lot more about people who need pity all the time. Some things fuck you up pretty bad.

I wish that I could start my life over knowing all that I do now. Really. I wish I could start again as a little tiny kid. I’d be a better first grader, a better student son, a better friend to more people...I’d be more outgoing than I was. I‘d be more confident about how I looked and how I acted. Maybe I’d even try to ask girls out instead of just going along with them when they asked me. I’d be a better brother. I’d be more articulate, more sympathetic, more intelligent. I’d put more of a concentrated effort into everything I did, making sure it was the best I could do. I’d lay out all my issues and problems for my parents and family really early on so that we could work with them truthfully. I wouldn’t get into strangers’ cars as a teenager. I’d be a missionary.

Maybe this is why the whole reincarnation concept is so appealing.

Life hit a different kind of low tonight at IHOP. It’s been working it’s way down for a while, and then all of a sudden every link in the chain of perpetual misery was there in the same place at the same time, sitting within tables of each other and everything and everyone felt so hopeless and fleeting. Nothing was solid, nothing was reliable, nobody could be friends, everyone is suspicious. There’s always something new to catch your eye and set your hopes on. Depressing.

I have to wake up in less than four hours so I can go rehearse. I don’t feel like dancing. I don’t want to go to the damn football game or get diet cokes with lime for women who have lots more money than me. But I will, until I can change things. I will change things.

Coldplay - 'Til Kingdom Come

...So I'm feeling pretty emo right now. Be warned. I think I go up and down in cycles and the last few weeks have been the season for feeling like this or something.

You know when you listen to a song and it fuses with an experience or feelings in your gut or just the thought of a person? As of two nights ago, I think this song will be printed onto my brain forever. Or at least for a long time. It's beautiful. It makes me a little depressed to listen to it now, but I keep on doing it anyways. Typical of me. I had heard it before, but now it has it's special little mark on my mind. I should quit feeling things so much and do things instead.

I'm going camping tonight. I went camping last night, but only at the Marriot center to buy people tickets for Christmas Around the World. That doesn't count. Tonight it's for real. Hopefully this will clear the head.

Halloween.

So for Halloween I was a plug-in airfreshener and Smurf was Pee-wee Herman. Carrot did his extra-white make-up. We were both working at Los. Most of us took turns passing out candy to all the little kids doing the Provo downtown safe trick-or-treat. It was kinda creepy when Smurf was passing out candy in his costume. Pictures to come, maybe. Last I heard, we were tied for the costume contest.